Cupidity

Posted on February 9, 2018 by admin

Concealed by a fern in the Best Western bar,

The hunter surveys the speed-dating bazaar

And lonely hearts gathered from near and afar

At the cowboy-chic watering hole.

Keen predator’s eye swiftly lights on a mook

In ill-fitting Wranglers and crooked peruke,

His un-ironed Polo the color of puke

And physique like a telephone pole.

Directly across from this charmless Don Juan

Droops a bland Aphrodite, more pigeon than swan,

A stammering wreck with too much makeup on.

The huntsman has chosen his prey.

Reaching into his quiver he draws out a dart,

Contagion a-drip from its pointiest part,

And shoots it straight into Don Juan’s timid heart

Then does Aphrodite that way.

“If you’ll pardon my sayin,’” the man says, distressed,

Blood suddenly boiling with amorous zest,

“Our two-minute date has been simply the best!

Let’s us be a pair, you and I.”

Deep passions aflame, she replies with a sigh,

“Like a chocolate fountain that reaches the sky,

I am your sweet gal, now, and you’re my sweet guy

Dipping pretzels as one till we die!”

The hunter, triumphant, retreats to the bar,

Celebrating the kills with a cold PBR,

And flipping a dime in the bartender’s jar

Gives his diaper a hitch reloads.

That’s just how it goes on Saint Valentine’s Day,

With violent cherubim firing away

In savage attacks from behind the buffet

Making storybook princes from toads.

Sweet Nothings

Posted on February 10, 2017 by admin

Returning to my desk one day

Encountered I a wee surprise

Upon the blotter sweetly lay

A candy heart before my eyes

HEY YOU it smiled, in letters red

A cheerful greeting, certainly

But what the morsel left unsaid

Was just who left it there for me

How wonderful! A secret friend

Anonymous and passing kind,

To thus my flagging spirit tend

And gently ease my weary mind.

For two days I did marinate

In fragrant broth of friendship true,

Ere word came from my candy-mate

In compressed sugar ME & YOU.

“Indeed,” thought I. “we noble pair,

United in camaraderie.”

But then SWEET LOVE ‘peared on my chair

And things went downhill rapidly.

Who was this amatory boor

Pursuing me with candied guile?

What awful passions lay in store?

What tooth decaying mash-notes vile?

When tasty KISS ME hit my desk

I filed a beef with Personnel.

BE MINE struck me as so grotesque

I called the state police, as well.

MY PET, SOUL MATE and YOU’RE SO FINE

Made every day a horror show.

ALL MINE and MISS YOU crossed the line,

And on their heels XOXO.

These days the office is a place

Of sniffing dogs and rent-a-cops.

My colleagues hate me to my face,

And still sweet torment never stops.

CALL ME a BABY if you will,

But ASK ME if I’ll see this through,

And to myself BE TRUE until

I find out who’s CRAZY 4 U.

Love Conniption

Posted on February 11, 2014 by admin

O Well of Beauty! Eye of Light!
I beg you, tell me what I might
Upon the Feast of Valentine
Present to you, to make you mine
From my heart to your own

O Gallant Knight, O Gentle Soul
Your money cannot make me whole
The only gift I ask of you
Is all your love, so pure and true
Give that, and that alone

A fool I am, that I might try
Your honest favors so to buy
With vulgar baubles, pretty lies
When there behind your azure eyes
Such selfless spirit dwells

We two are joined, My Champion
By bonds that will outlast the sun
No worldly good seems good to me
My only food and drink are thee
All else my heart repels

And yet, My Love, my Waking Dream
As token of my deep esteem
I am resolved to here remand
This box of chocolates in my hand
A Walmart multi-pack!

Are these fat-free? Or sugarless?
How could you cause me such distress?
I’m starting a new diet soon
You’ll blow me up like a balloon!
You’d better take them back

Forgive my thoughtlessness, My Pet
Your body issues to forget
Please take instead, so bright and gay
This red and rosy nose bouquet
Each bloom a joyful psalm

So now I have to find a vase
And sacrifice my counter space?
I mean, who really wants or needs
A bunch of bug-infested weeds?
Your flowers are a bomb.

What madness was it, made me think
To burden you with Nature’s stink?
Perhaps you’d be more keen about
A nice romantic dinner out
At Jardin d’Amore

Do you suggest I should dress up
And in the garlicked darkness sup
From swarthy, sneering Frenchmen’s trays
On snails and flaccid crudités?
Oh, what a crashing bore!

Please don’t be angry, Angel’s Breath
I’d rather die a thousand deaths
Than suffer you an instant’s pique
Would ruby earrings – magnifique!
Win back the smile I crave?

In case you missed it, Philistine
My true birth stone is tourmaline
And this is not a Jared box!
You might as well have brought me rocks
You stupid, selfish knave

That sharp rebuke is justly earned
Those taudry trinkets rightly spurned
But will you let me, Guiding Star
Seek redemption junto al mar
With five nights in Cancun?

And broil my white and creamy hide
In scorching sun and salty tide?
Or would you see me leathery?
Good grief! Whatever did I see
In such a dull buffoon?

Alas, My Dove, a cad I be!
To court a Princess boorishly
More insult I will not impress
With this new Lexus LES
I beg your pardon, please