Frozen assets

When a house alarm on Thomas Drive went hot at O-dark-30 for the second time in 24 hours, responding deputies were stopped cold. Besides the massive glacier slowly entombing the garage doors from above, they found thick curtains of ice stretched across the inside of many of the home’s windows, the interior locks, hinges and handles of all exterior doors deeply encrusted, and the unpromising gurgle of running water coming from somewhere inside. Contacting the owner in sunny California, units of the Elk Creek Fire Department obtained permission to enter the emergent igloo with extreme prejudice, ultimately hacking their way through the front door with an ax. Within, most surfaces not sheathed in ice were soaking wet, most items hung on walls had fallen to earth, disintegrating drywall lay in soggy heaps all around, and the basement ceiling was now the basement floor. Tracing the flood’s source to the garage, firefighters turned off all water to the house, patched the front door with plywood, and skated.


What Lies Beneath

The owner of a pizza parlor contacted JCSO to report suspicious items buried behind the restaurant. While relaxing in his vehicle at about 6 p.m., an employee saw a man and woman who appeared to be in their 30s park a light blue Chevrolet Blazer beside a hillside that bounds the ally behind the restaurant. The woman got out, buried something in the slope and the pair drove away. Using a stick, the shop’s owner disinterred the object which turned out to be a hollow piece of log containing a sealed tube about four inches long and one inch in diameter that was carefully wrapped in camouflage duct tape. The JCSO bomb squad was called to the scene and satisfied itself that no explosives were concealed within the tube. Opening the dubious treasure chest, a sheriff’s deputy found a pair of dice, a tablet with writing on it and a small hair clip. The items were booked into the evidence vault and the case was reburied.


Bedeviled ham

‘Twas the night before Christmas when a Silverhorn Drive resident phoned JCSO with a delicious mystery. Some weeks before he’d received an email from the Honey Baked Ham Company thanking him for purchasing their eponymous product from an outlet in Michigan. Not long after, UPS informed him that they’d successfully delivered the savory feast to a hungry household in Georgia. Problem was, while both messages contained his correct personal information, he was reasonably sure he’d never agreed to subsidize a stranger’s celebratory supper. On the plus side, Honey Baked Ham was able to provide the last four digits of the credit card used to buy the glazed goody, a credit reporting agency confirmed that no such card had ever been issued in his name, and no pork-related charges had ever appeared on his account. Even so, he feared lest some swine go hog wild with his identity. Suspecting an innocent email error on the pickled pig purveyor’s part, a deputy gamely attempted to contact the company by phone, but its offices are apparently not staffed on Christmas Eve.


Clash of the Brides

bridewarsDeputies stopped by a McDonald’s on West Ken Caryl Avenue to hear from a woman who said she was assaulted. According to her statement, the woman had been at a holiday costume party at a swinging club on West Chatfield Avenue and, with a mania for appropriateness, had gone dressed as a bride. Alas, two other women had come to the soiree dressed as brides and one of them was unnaturally cross about it. When the complainant’s bridal train became entangled in a fan, she and the false bride exchanged words and the other woman began pulling on her veil, which was attached to a wig, the loss of which would have been “utterly embarrassing.” As it was, her attacker managed to remove the veil only, which she physically disrespected into rags and tatters. The complainant then threw water on her enemy, who promised her she’d “be dead in the parking lot.” The blushing bride wanted the incident documented in case her presumably chaste antagonist decided to make good on the threat.

APB on Rudolph nets sleigh full of trouble

‘Twas about 2 a.m. when deputies received word that a person or persons in a black Jeep Cherokee with one working headlight had just stolen a wicker reindeer from the King Soopers on Conifer Road. About 5 minutes later, they stopped just such a cyclopean vehicle at Barkley Road and Wolff Avenue. The 19-year-old driver explained that the wicker reindeer in the rear cargo area belonged to her mother, although she didn’t say why she was chauffeuring it around Conifer, or why her breath smelled like the barroom floor. Of the four young reindeer-nappers in the car, one went down for DUI, two were cited for underage drinking, and one got nabbed on an outstanding warrant. It may be hoped that the persecuted caribou was restored to its natural environment, whatever that may be.

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