By the time the deputy arrived at the site of a
reported assault on Snowshoe Drive, the assailant was long gone. The assailed,
however, recounted the incident as follows: He’d been concerned that one of his
friends might have been involved in a construction accident that had occurred
some days before, and, as a volunteer firefighter, had followed up on the injured
worker’s case. A few days later a friend of his showed up at his house
accompanied by the foreman of the ill-starred construction site. The foreman
accused the fireman of “trying to ruin his life” by checking up on the
accident, punctuating the point with a solid two-handed shove to the chest and
a glancing blow to the jaw. The firefighter said he thought the fellow might
have been touchy about the subject because he doesn’t have a general
contractor’s license or insurance. His friend offered that he does have serious
back problems and shouldn’t be rough-housing in anger. Eager to speak his
piece, the foreman was waiting at the JCSO mountain substation when the deputy
finished his shift. He admitted pushing the fireman, but said he shouldn’t have
been “getting into my business.” Interestingly, the man told the officer that his
business is selling items on eBay, not construction, adding that he can’t work
construction “because of my back. I’m on disability.” The construction
foreman/eBay magnate received a summons for harassment.

The man’s license said he was from Wisconsin,
but all other signs pointed to someplace farther out there. Like maybe Neptune.
Pulled over at County Road 73 and Brook Forest long past midnight, the
purported Cheese-Head smelled like Milwaukee and talked like Racine. When asked
to produce registration and proof of insurance, he handed over a laminated map
of Denver. Twice. He offered several conflicting versions of his current address,
and when asked if he was carrying anything dangerous said “I’m a doper, not a
smoker.” Several times. On the long road to the calaboose, the man alternately
sang along with the radio, told sad stories, and excitedly declared “Holy
Macaroli! I’ve been drinking!” At one point, he asked the deputy how he drove
his “sleigh.” While that joke might have earned him big laughs in The Badger
State, in the Mile High one it earned charges ranging from failing to signal a
turn to driving while under the influence.

One sunny afternoon last week, a deputy responded to a 911 love-emergency on Berrian Trail. A young man sitting in a car outside said he’d rather not go inside because it would only invite an argument with his girlfriend. Entering alone, the officer found the young woman busily packing her belongings. She said she had no emergency and had merely called 911 because her boyfriend had discontinued her phone service and that was the only number she could get. She also charged her former beau with breaking her laptop and said she wanted him “out of my face.”  According to the officer, the angry young lady maintained a consistently sarcastic and “unfriendly” demeanor throughout their interview. He retreated outside to confab with the boyfriend, who explained that he’d left the laptop in his car during several cold nights and feared that its liquid crystal guts might be suffering from exposure. He also said that her phone account had been in his mom’s name, and his mom pulled the plug because she no longer wished to be responsible for the ill-tempered girl’s phone bill. At the deputy’s suggestion, the lovelorn fellow left for the evening so his bitter sweetheart could finish packing without interruption. When so informed, the woman said “fine” and abruptly dismissed the officer. Before leaving, the deputy attempted to ask the girl a few follow-up questions, but was chagrined to learn that they were no longer on speaking terms. Defeated, he announced his departure. Imperiously, she ignored him. Prudently, he closed the case.

The woman was howling mad. She said she’d talked
to a man over the phone last May about getting title to a factory-fresh German
shepherd. The fellow assured her that as soon as her check cleared he’d make a
call to Germany and have her pup on the next boat out of Bremerhaven. She wired
him the full $1,875 sticker price and fully expected to be enjoying sloppy
dog-kisses within five weeks. She’s been long-distance-dogging the man ever
since but he keeps putting her off with one flea-bitten excuse after another
and, so far, hasn’t macht mit der hundt, or returned her gelt. JCSO
investigators have now picked up the scent.