Cruising home along Buffalo Park Road one evening, thrilling to the smooth flow of power supplied by her 8-cylinder, 385hp power-plant, a Three Sisters Circle resident’s ultimate driving experience was marred by a savage snowball attack. In her statement to JCSO, she described gliding past Alderfer/Three Sisters Open Space Park, her showroom-fresh 2008 Porsche Cayenne S purring like a contented tiger, when a pair of frozen white bullets came screaming in from the north and struck the $57,000 grocery-go-getter with brutal force. Although she didn’t actually see the projectiles being launched, she did spy a fleet male person wearing a “colorful short jacket, red and yellow, with an emblem on it,” racing up the hill into the park immediately following the attack. Observing the vehicle’s passenger-side mirror dangling from its wires and a deep, 3-inch scratch on the mirror housing, the investigating officer concluded that “suspects unknown, in the course of a single criminal episode, did unlawfully and knowingly damage the real and personal property of ” the unhappy motorist. The case remains in low gear pending further suspect information.

In the small hours of the morning deputies contacted two men in the 20000 block of Highway 74 and arrested one of them on an outstanding warrant. Turning their attention to the other, they asked the fellow if the black backpack he carried contained anything untoward, and he assured them it didn’t. Unconvinced, the deputies opened a zippered pocket on the bag to reveal a pipe cleverly designed to mimic the appearance of a cigarette and well-encrusted with suspiciously fragrant residues. Again the officers asked the man if his bag held anything they should know about, and again he said no. Reaching into the backpack a second time, the deputies produced a package of Zig-Zag rolling papers and wondered aloud whether the man used them to roll tobacco. “I use them to smoke marijuana,” he said, “like everyone else.” Despite the man’s admirable candor, the deputies confiscated the illicit trove.

A woman contacted JCSO dispatch to report that a county snowplow driver had harassed her. Deputies initially contacted the woman’s husband, who claimed that the plow operator had “quit doing his job” and was “spying on” his wife. Unfortunately, he was nowhere in the vicinity during the woman’s ordeal and the officer asked to speak to the actual complainant. She explained that she’d been taking a walk with her dog on the previous afternoon when a snowplow operator stopped his vehicle and rebuked her for allowing the animal to wander around unleashed. He also repeatedly requested her address, which she refused to divulge. “I don’t think he should be asking women where they live,” she told the deputy. “He’s hired to snowplow. I pay taxes, you plow. That’s his job.” After giving her a sympathetic hearing, the officer confirmed that county ordinance requires that her dog be leashed when gadding about the neighborhood. She countered by asserting that, in like circumstances, a teenage girl might foolishly provide her address to her own peril. The officer said he would talk to the plow driver’s supervisor.

Good news! The Old West is alive and well in Jefferson County. One morning last week, a young cowgirl moseyed down to a local livestock boarding facility to see after her stock, but found only an empty stall and a feedbag full of mystery. Perhaps just hours before, dad-blamed varmints unknown had snatched her week-old calf without leaving so much as a boot print. A quick scout of the muddy ground outside the stall revealed no tiny hoof-marks, meaning the rustlers likely carried the 90-pound barbecue variety-pack away in their thieving arms. Interested posses should be on the lookout for a sloe-eyed black and white dogie with the number 84 tagged to his right ear, his birthday – 03/13/2014 – tagged to his left, and his Rocky Mountain oysters intact. The brand inspector has been notified.