EVERGREEN – An exceptionally observant Bluebell Lane called JCSO to insist that somebody look into the suspicious doings on the 10-acre spread next door. According to the complainant’s statement, he’d recently witnessed his neighbor digging a “suspicious hole” in the back yard. Furthermore, the man had previously removed a septic tank from that exact location, so there was “no reason for him to be digging with a backhoe.” Even worse, while monitoring the scene with binoculars he’d detected a “wooden board” covering the excavation. Finally, his sister (extraordinary vigilance must run in the family) observed the neighbor’s kids hauling buckets of something or other from the horse-barn to the hole. After mulling the situation, the deputy concluded that compelling evidence of nefarious activity was entirely lacking and chose not to delve into the matter more deeply.

EVERGREEN – …only to reopen it on the evening of Nov. 9, after the carrot-colored connoisseur flagged him down near the Loaf ‘N’ Jug on Bergen Parkway. It seems the man had run out of gas on Highway 74 and asked the officer if, after purchasing a couple of gallons, he could get a courtesy ride to his stranded pickup. That was just fine with the officer, so the man went inside to pre-pay and then came out to the pump, closely followed by the gas station attendant who told the man he could keep his $10 bill and strongly suggested he take his business elsewhere. When asked by the deputy to elaborate, the attendant said the man had entered the store with all cylinders firing. “Do your job,” he howled, slapping down a ten-spot, “and turn the (funking) pump on!” When the attendant inquired as to which pump interested him, he dropped the mask of affability and screamed “Are you (funking) stupid?” Faced with this testimony, the man admitted yelling at the attendant, but stood by his original assessment. “I called him (funking) stupid because he is (funking) stupid.” The deputy issued him a summons for disorderly conduct and advised him that returning to the Loaf ‘N’ Jug in the future would constitute criminal trespass. Still angry and orange, the man departed the scene on foot.

EVERGREEN – At about dinner time on Nov. 8, a deputy rushed to the Main Street bistro to remove an obnoxious presence in the dining room. Although the pernicious patron fled just before the officer arrived, a woman on the scene gave the following account. A middle-aged fellow in a sleeveless orange T-shirt had come into the restaurant and started going from table to table advising hapless customers to “(funk) off” and inviting them to tuck his flapping shirt-waist into his pants for him. After working up an appetite in this way, he loudly commanded the owner to serve him the “best steak in town” or he’d “own your restaurant.” Asked to leave, he got into a blue Ford pickup and roared away down the canyon to the Black Hat Cattle Co. in Kittredge, where he went inside and announced that he was “Jesus.” Then he headed for the little savior’s room, which is where the deputy finally caught up with him. “I ain’t (funking) talking to authority,” the man declared. “I have a problem with authority.” Due to his “problem with authority,” the officer had to handcuff the belligerent fellow before escorting him to the parking lot, where he admitted making a bit of a stir around town, but promised he’d be on his best behavior from now on. Satisfied with his contrition, the officer let him go and closed the case…

It took just a few seconds for the North Turkey Creek Road resident to determine that the person who called on the afternoon of Oct. 1 was neither friend nor relation. “No, thank you, we’re not interested” she told the telemarketer. Her admirable civility was apparently lost on the pesky peddler, who immediately called back and got the woman’s husband. “Your wife hung up on me,” he explained, only to be politely brushed off once more. Throwing his copy of “Willy Loman’s Sure-Fire Guide to Closing the Deal” out the window, he called back again: “You’re a tough guy and your wife’s a slut.” And again: “I’m going to come over and slap your wife around.” In fact, he called at least six separate times in less than 45 minutes, prompting the “tough guy” to call for back up. The responding deputy suggested the couple drop a line to the phone company about setting a “phone trap” for the truculent telemarketer.

Bills are a bummer, but the ominous little missive a Red Cloud Drive woman found tucked inside her mailbox one recent morning makes a Final Warning notice from Excel look like a mash letter by comparison. Neatly typed and addressed to “the residents,” it read “BEWARE, FOR THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU. STAY AWAY FROM THE DARKNESS. YOU’RE [sic] ACTIONS WILL BE PUNISHED TO THE FULL EXTENT. ONCE AGAIN BEWARE.” Whoo, boy. The unsettled postal customer said she didn’t know who might have sent such a message, but did mention having a quarrelsome history with a certain neighbor. A certain neighbor said she didn’t have anything to do with the menacing memo and didn’t much appreciate being implicated. With that, the case was forwarded to the dead letter office.