CONIFER – The woman awaiting sheriff’s deputies in the parking lot of Aspen Creek Hardware on the afternoon of Aug. 26 was seeing red about paint. It seems that a can of interior paint she’d purchased at Aspen Creek didn’t quite match a batch she’d bought elsewhere. Rather than giving her the refund she requested, she said, the store owner “swept the paint off the counter with great force.” Convinced that the owner had intended to do her injury, she fled the store and dialed 911. In his defense, the owner said that when he tried to discuss the matter with his aggrieved customer she’d become “quite agitated,” loudly demanding that he assume the cost of having her dining room professionally painted. Seeing no satisfactory solution forthcoming, he asked the woman to leave and, as he pushed the controversial can toward her, it caught the edge of the counter’s plastic spill cover, tipped over and rolled onto the floor. “You threw that at me!” he remembered her yelling. “I’m calling 911!” As the owner’s testimony blended smoothly with that of another store employee, and as the can of contention suffered no serious harm, the deputy declined to pursue the case and cautioned the woman that returning to the store would be a trespass that could land her in stir.

PINE JUNCTION – Rushing to quash a brawl at a pizza parlor/saloon on Mount Evans Boulevard, officers arrived at about 8 p.m. to find one of the combatants sitting outside, all alone within a pungent cloud of gloom and his own alcoholic exhalations. Since the officers could wring no useful information from Suspect No. 1, they went inside to chat with an employee, who said that the unsteady fellow out front had been peacefully drinking himself happy when Suspects No. 2 and No. 3 entered at about 7 o’clock. They identified themselves by first names and claimed to be Denverites, which, by itself, is not an actionable offense. On the other hand, one of the strangers walked across the bar and, for no obvious reason, stuck a finger in No. 1’s beer and then slurped it down without so much as a “please” or “thank you.”  The fractious flatlanders then verbally badgered No. 1 until he invited them out to the parking lot to explain their discourtesies. Alas, No. 2 and No. 3 were long gone by the time deputies arrived, and a check of the area found no trace of their red pickup or bad attitudes. Since the employee helpfully volunteered to look after No. 1 for the rest of the evening, officers cleared the scene without further ado.

As if the morning commute wasn’t stressful enough already, a man contacted JCSO on the morning of Oct. 14 to report being menaced by a neighbor while driving to work. According to his statement, he’d seen the man – who apparently believes that his property rights extend to the public boulevard – standing in the middle of Larkspur Drive holding a hammer. Perhaps preferring not to know why, the complainant edged around the lightly-armed roadblock, prompting the man to brandish the hammer in a threatening manner. The officer barely had time to digest that testimony before the phone started ringing again. This time, it was a woman complaining that the hammer-wielding neighbor stood in the roadway until she stopped, then leaned on the window frame and told her “not to come down this road anymore.” She explained that she had little choice, but he was unmoved. “I don’t have time for this,” she told him, and drove away without further incident. When contacted by authorities, the road-hog said he’d put “No Trespassing” signs along the road, and flatly denied waving the hammer at his first detractor and exchanging words with the second. The officer advised the man that his was a case for the civil courts, to which he replied that he’d already been down that road and the deputy should just arrest him. That, explained the officer, “is what we are trying to prevent.”

EVERGREEN – Responding to a reportedly suspicious incident on South Hatch Drive, a deputy passed a superannuated Ford pickup leaving the scene towing a hot tub on a trailer. When stopped on Buffalo Park Road, the driver said he’d purchased the spa from the home’s resident – a buddy of his from a downtown watering hole – and even produced a signed bill of sale. According to the home’s owner, however, the therapeutic bath was abandoned at the rental property several years ago by a tenant who skipped on his lease, and the fellow selling the article didn’t live there anymore, either. The landlord said he could have the hot tub, for all he cared, but that would definitely conclude the highly irregular yard sale. If he returns to that house, the deputy advised tub’s new owner, he’ll be in hot water.

CONIFER – At first, the thoroughly schnockered young fellow caught snoozing in the Mountain View RTD lot at about 2 a.m. had only this to say: “My sister’s kids…punk little kids.” While ill-behaved children might easily drive a man to drink, his statement didn’t explain how he wound up inexpertly parked in the middle of nowhere, or what he planned to do next. With a little patient cajolery, the deputy learned that the man had come from Bailey, and was on his way home – to Bailey. Rather than try to reconcile that remarkably inefficient itinerary, the deputy turned his attention to the open beer on the floorboard. He asked permission to poke around the car a little bit, and the sleepy driver was down with that. When the officer turned up a quantity of sweet-smelling herb and a dainty little pipe, he was down with that, too. He was even down with a few roadside maneuvers, he just couldn’t get them down right. The deputy cited the man for underage drinking and placed him in custody. Ironically, he may have spent the rest of the night surrounded by punk kids.