CONIFER – After getting an unusually aggressive call-back regarding a spectacularly poor job applicant, a Main Street businessman decided to bring in an official consultant. According to his statement, the hopeful-but-hapless candidate called twice to set up interviews and immediately blew off both meetings. When he called to arrange a third strike, the businessman charitably advised him to save his gasoline as he was no longer in the running for the position. Not long after, a woman claiming to be the sad-sack’s mother, or maybe girlfriend (presumably not both) called in a huff – twice – vowing to “put them out of business” for not hiring her son/boyfriend/non-specific relation. While not particularly concerned for his commercial future, the complainant wanted an official account for his files.

PINE – According to a complaint filed on the afternoon of Sept. 24, a young fellow tooling home from school along Rock Creek Road felt unfairly chastised when a man standing on the deck of a house at the corner of Upper Ranch Drive made an offensive gesture toward him as he passed by. When he stopped to ask what prompted the discourtesy, the non-verbally expressive fellow promptly told him in plain – if inflammatory – English. “I saw you drifting around the corner the other night. If I see you do it again, I’ll throw a rock through your window, you (vulgar adjective, cruel epithet).” When the unhappy lad related the incident to his mom a few minutes later, she called JCSO, and in short order a pair of deputies dropped by the Upper Ranch Drive address for a little tete-a-tete-a-tete. While the hot-tempered homeowner “appeared angry,” he seemed perfectly willing to answer the officers’ questions, albeit at the top of his lungs, and loudly denied any knowledge of the incident. Then he asked to be spared further interview. “Are you charging me with something?” he shouted. “THEN LEAVE NOW!” The deputies left.

PINE – Long after dark, a South Elk Creek Road resident called to complain of loud music emanating from the woods near their home. Following the lively beat some 25-yards through the forest, two sheriff’s deputies came upon a jeep parked in the creek with its nose pointing at the stars. “Yeah, I just slipped backwards,” explained the driver, seated nonchalantly behind the precariously tilted wheel. Nearly invisible beneath the stranded vehicle’s chassis, his only passenger was apparently attempting emergency repairs on a “broken 4-wheel-drive linkage.” While interviewing the driver, a highly-trained officer detected the three principal indicators of alcohol intoxication – bloodshot eyes, slurred speech, and an open bottle of Crown Royal in the back seat. After miserably failing creekside maneuvers, the high-living driver was arrested on suspicion of DUI. “I was just trying to get home,” he lamented.

The deputy dispatched to Kinney Creek Road at about 11 p.m. faced the unusual task of locating a car that was both missing and not missing. While the woman reporting the non-theft clearly did not have possession of her red Subaru Baja, she was certain that her head-strong boyfriend did. And while her boyfriend definitely didn’t have her permission to take the car, she believed he might be under the impression that he did. And though the absent Baja was due to be repossessed any time now, it wasn’t insured and she feared her sweetheart might get in trouble if pulled over. Long story slightly shorter, she wanted the car declared missing but not stolen, and wanted her boyfriend found but not arrested. Probably conflicted, the officer left the runaway Romeo several cell-phone messages before pronouncing the case both closed and not open.