Don’t text angry

text-message

 

 

 

 

EVERGREEN – Why can’t people confine their hate speech to chat rooms, where it belongs? At about midnight on July 16, a young lady on Manitoba Drive summoned a sheriff’s deputy to complain of toxic texts messages on her cell phone. The day before, said Gentle Flower, she’d terminated her once-amicable relationship with Former Friend, which apparently induced Former Friend’s steadfast supporters, Interloper and Buttinski, to send Gentle Flower hateful texts like “you’re such a piece of  (odiferous refuse) for treating her this way.” When contacted by deputies, Interloper said Gentle Flower had repeatedly phoned Former Friend, calling her “pathetic” and worse, which prompted her to text in her buddy’s defense. For his part, Buttinski admitted sending Gentle Flower angry texts, but said her unconscionable treatment of Former Friend necessitated a strong response, and anyway, Gentle Flower had fired back with some salty phone messages of her own. Likely exhausted and dealing with a crippling stress headache, the officer made all parties promise to never text each other again.

Disrespecting Boundaries

What’s certain is that, on the morning of June 28, a Spruce Road resident stood at the edge of his property contemplating the retaining wall he planned to move 4 feet to the east. He was joined by his neighbor, who possessed a fundamentally different interpretation of their respective property lines. What happened next depends on who you ask. According to the complainant, his neighbor started poking him in the chest and shoving him with both hands. The way the neighbor remembers it, the complainant began chest-butting him, which made him feel like “kicking his (assignation).” Just in the nick of time, the complainant’s pregnant wife physically inserted herself between the quarrelsome pair, authorities were summoned, and peace returned to the valley. Imbued with the spirit of détente, the complainant decided not to press charges. The neighbor, his heart aflame with empathy and good will, said he just wanted to “get on with his life,” and promised to “keep to himself.” Moved by such strong currents of universal brotherhood, the deputy closed the case.

31-border-fence-full

It only warms you twice if you burn it

Some folks don’t know a good thing when they see it. On the morning of June 17, a Forest States Road resident summoned deputies regarding a troublesome buildup of fireplace-ready wood on his property. According to his statement, his woody lot is shaped like a slice of pizza, and is fenced around except for at its cheesy, bite-able tip. Several times during the last three years, he groused, timber-faeries unknown have been cutting wood elsewhere and depositing the fuel on the unfenced point of his wedge. Just two days prior, for example, he’d found a large number of lodgepole pine logs between 10 feet and 20 feet in length piled there. After laboriously cutting them into fireplace-sized pieces, he’d thrown them away. The deputy volunteered to ask after the careless woodcutter around the neighborhood, but the complainant had no appetite for confrontation. He planned to install “No Trespassing” signs at the end of his slice, he explained, and continue paying exorbitant prices for natural gas.

woodcutter

 

 

No Place for Patriots

Firecrackers

 

A GALLANT SACRIFICE –             The best thing about illegal fireworks from a law-enforcement perspective is that they’re easy to spot. Spotting one such infraction on South Maplewood Drive from a mile away, deputies arrived to see a knot of eight people milling around on the sidewalk surrounded by a litter of spent ordnance. Rather than risk a hand-cramp, an officer advised the crestfallen crew that if one selfless soul would accept responsibility for the show he wouldn’t ticket the whole group. Cut from the very noblest American cloth, one P. Revere stepped forward and with great dignity surrendered a plastic bag containing 19 Cannon Thunder Bomb Flashcrackers, 11 Black Cat Yellow Rose Texas Rockets, and 113 Red Lantern Whistling Moon Travelers. In exchange, the deputy gave Revere a summons for possession of prohibited fireworks and torched all those awesome fireworks in a big JCSO barrel where nobody could see it.

22767891_SA

BOOM AND BUST – It was nearing midnight when dispatch received a report that misguided patriots were illegally lighting up their South Pierson Street neighborhood with illuminations of the proscribed kind. Arriving on scene, deputies quickly identified the source of the stunning display – two strapping young citizens who were standing in the middle of the street holding matching firing-tubes, sending brilliant red bombs rocketing skyward and bursting in air. For their part, the two young rebels quickly identified the end of their good time approaching and instantly swapped their launchers for beer bottles, hoping to blend into the small crowd of spectators. It was too late, of course. Deputies confiscated their substantial remaining supply of “Fire Bombs with report”, leaving only their modest cache of less vigorous combustibles along with ticket for illegally declaring independence from county fireworks ordinances.

LOYALIST CAN’T QUENCH PATRIOTIC SPIRIT With only four minutes left of Independence Day, 2013, one B. Arnold at last resolved to report his firecracker-shooting neighbor, one P. Henry, to JCSO. The moment county cruisers hove in port, deputies observed a crowd of at least 20 people scatter like Frenchmen into nearby homes, leaving Henry alone in the street to face superior forces. Bummed, but unbowed, Henry somberly ceded to deputies the last un-fired item in his arsenal – a Zenith Specialties Turbo Booster Aerial Rocket he’d driven all the way to Wyoming to get.

Capulet vs Montegue – This Time it’s Personal

Juliet

CONIFER – At least the deputy responding to a domestic disturbance one morning last week knew all the characters. After standing by to keep the peace while a long-suffering Romeo evicted his hard-drinking Juliet from their turbulent nest about a month ago, he’d been summoned back after the jilted damsel staged another dramatic scene. According to Romeo’s critical review, Juliet had dropped by for a visit and immediately made free with his cache of intoxicating spirits. Unable to abide her weakness for strong drink, he pronounced the breach between them beyond repair. Distraught and deeply in her cups, Juliet began emoting with great vigor and hurling props – including a pot of coffee – in a powerfully theatrical bid to regain her former lover’s affections. Unmoved, yet fearful lest she injure herself, or worse, any more of his cherished possessions, Romeo grasped Juliet in an encompassing embrace and shuffled her off stage and into the arms of a loyal confederate, who whisked her off to find solace in blessed repose and Tylenol. Should she return, Romeo warned, he’ll see her stand before the magistrate.