An academic conference is held at the Archaeological Institute of Paris, with a Who’s-Who of the world’s top archaeologists attending. The highlight of the event is scheduled for the last day – the unveiling of a potentially game-changing discovery in the parched deserts of southern Palestine. The auditorium fills early, its seats filled with leading experts in diverse sciences such as anthropology, history and languages. At the appointed hour, a large bespectacled man in goatee and white lab coat takes the dais. At his signal, an image is projected onto the large screen behind him. It shows what appears to be an ancient, mud-brick wall faced with crumbling plaster. Still visible upon its cracked surface are a short row of crudely etched figures – from left to right: a plump female silhouette, a long-eared beast, a lidless eye, a single fish, and a cross. A gasp travels around the tiers, and the man begins to speak.
“My esteemed colleagues, I thank you for coming. The iconographic panel before you was discovered two years ago at a remote, proto-Judaic site near Tell Bekkan, and has been reliably dated to approximately 10,000 b.c. Our team has been studying it exhaustively for more than 18 months, and we feel strongly that the concepts revealed here may very well revolutionize our theories concerning the genesis of human agriculture, industry and religion. I will now ask you to kindly hold your questions while I briefly explain our reasoning.
“The first figure is obviously female, and rendered in a style reminiscent of the “Earth Mother” fertility symbology common to later Mesopotamian cultures. While it has long been assumed that ancient Middle Eastern cultures developed along patriarchal lines, we believe her position on the left, at the head of the panel, indicates a pronounced matriarchal emphasis. This necessarily calls into question all of our current beliefs concerning gender relationships among semi-nomadic peoples of the region, and forces us to reconsider the social and political maturation of Neolithic II-b societies.
“Our best research to date indicates that the animal depicted to the woman’s right is a donkey. While donkeys were ubiquitous throughout the Levant by 4,000 b.c., it has long been believed that large-animal domestication was not even contemplated at the time this image was carved. And yet its placement among this clearly important assembly of icons years ago would suggest a strong familiarity, even affection, for those creatures, which one would expect only of a culture capable of advanced animal husbandry. Surely this pushes Mankind’s calendar of domestication back at least 4,000 years.
“The human eye has enjoyed a position of mystic honor among nearly all ancient cultures, often regarded as the well of a person’s essence, or a window into one’s soul. Its presence here, as an important emblem of a 12,000-year-old matrilineal, pre-agrarian, paleo-Hebraic clan, can only be interpreted as an early attempt to depict the ageless human quest to create a rational foundation for existence. Indeed, through this rudely cut eye we see a culture possessing a far higher degree of intellectual attainment than was previously supposed.
“Tell Bekkan lies more than 100 arid miles from the nearest coast, and no significant rivers or streams serve its environs. What, then, can we make of the fish? Quite simply, a great deal. This fish is persuasive evidence that a lively trade once existed between this mysterious people and distant coastal tribes. Exploring that concept further, it’s no stretch to presume that some form of nascent industry – pottery, perhaps, or even textiles, or animal hides – necessarily existed whereby this desert band might support its commerce with the sea. This fish, then, signifies what may be Mankind’s first step toward modern industrialization, and might possibly even hint at an early conceptualization of pan-cultural economic exchange.
“And, finally, the cross. There has been much debate, and heated argumentation, within our team as to the meaning of this powerful symbol. Some of our experts initially took it for a pictographic expression of the eternal dichotomy between want and plenty, dark and light, good and evil. Others saw it as indicative of a growing spatial awareness, a rudimentary representation of the cardinal directions. However, in view of the virtually universal role the cross would come to occupy in world religious history, we have at last reached a consensus. There can be no question that this figure, scratched by the devout hand of one of Judaism’s ancestral adherents, provides graphic proof of the fundamental human transition from primitive polytheism to a more spiritually evolved state of monotheism. Here, for the first time in recorded history, we have concrete evidence of ancient Man’s first tentative overtures to a lone Creator.
“Together, this humble, yet astounding assemblage of characters is even now transforming our conception of civilization’s ancient roots. I congratulate you, gentlemen, upon being present at the dawn of a bright new era of historical understanding.”
The house rises as one man, professors, scientists, philosophers springing to their feet in unison and bursting into thunderous applause. Many a deeply seamed face, previously marked only by thick, whiskered topiary and stern dignity, is suddenly awash in the unfamiliar tears of strong emotion. The man on the dais bows slightly – a nod, really – and accepts the fervent approbation with perfect aplomb. And yet, within the shouts of approval there exists a discordant note, a thin, reedy objection swimming against the roaring tide of scholarly endorsement. It’s a skeletal apparition at the back of the hall, a tweedy old fellow, stamping his patent-leathered planks and hollering through cupped, parchment-yellow hands.
“You’re wrong!” he bellows. “You’ve got it all wrong!”
The man on the dais calls for quiet, then fixes his critic with a cool eye.
“Professor? Do you have something to add to our analysis?”
“Hebrew is written from right to left, you idiot. It says, ‘Holy mackerel! Look at the ass on that chick!’”
said Clear Creek Courant editor Meghan Murphy, lounging slothfully in her Idaho Springs office. “If I had to pick her best feature, it would be her almost total biodegradability. From top to bottom, Nancy’s organic. I wish more people shared her commitment to the environment.”
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