The Philosopher

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agora-smart-girls-film-club-1Not for the last time, a JCSO deputy was called to investigate a reported shoplifting at Conifer King Soopers. The store’s security officer reported that, about noon, he witnessed a middle-aged woman in a green jacket select items shelves and place them directly into her multi-colored shoulder bag. Suspicious, he followed her as she breezed passed the checkout aisles and headed for freedom. Accosted in the parking lot, she admitted “taking some items.” The woman carried no ID, but identified herself by a snappy, single-word moniker, saying she’d adopted it some years ago to replace a more burdensome three-name designation. As the deputy completed her shoplifting summons, she began to laugh, prompting the officer to remark that she’d picked the wrong store because it’s so well surveilled. “Well,” she responded, “everyone should get caught at least once in their life.”

 

Blithe Bimbo, Brawny Bullet’s Bane

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Although no people were hurt in the least, the accident in Kittredge on Sunday was tragic, nonetheless.

A cherry-red 1982 AC Cobra Special sustained moderate front end damage. The exact nature of its injuries was not available at press time, Tuesday.

Several units of the Evergreen Volunteer Fire Department responded to Highway 74 in Kittredge at about 1:30 after an accident was reported in front of the Country Roads Café. What they discovered was a minor two-car dust-up in which some of the finest Detroit steel ever to hit the streets had been cruelly battered. Sources at the scene described the event as follows.

Two Denver couples, connoisseurs of ultra-fine roadware, had driven into the mountains to enjoy a pleasant lunch at one of the area’s many fine dining establishments. After their lovely repast, they headed homeward down Bear Creek Canyon, an excellent cruise for a high-performance vehicle. Leading the small convoy was the ‘82 Special, followed by a 1972 Cobra replica, also blazing crimson with two wide, white stripes running stem to stern like a mighty, counterfeit Pepe LePew.

As the splendid roadsters entered Kittredge, a young girl driving a black Suburu Outback Limited sporting a Kerry/Edwards sticker in the aft port window blithely entered the highway from the carwash adjacent to the café, directly into the path of American industry’s proudest achievement. Despite its high-performance tires and a braking system that could stop a tank dropped from an airplane, the King of the Road lightly struck the Suburu in its Kerry/Edwards causing minor, and very clean, damage.

Alas, the Cobra was not so lucky. A finely-tuned machine, its clean-lined, manly, altogether beautiful front end was not designed to answer such an insult. The dream-machine was hors de combat, its magnificent nose – the immaculate paint job, the perfectly worked grill, the chrome impossible to look at without eye protection on a cloudless Sunday afternoon – was savaged.

Paramedics quickly ascertained that all human parties were sound and in good running condition. The Cobra, sublimely aloof and projecting an almost supernatural gravity from its muscular lines, was ignominiously loaded onto the back of a wrecker and driven away, it is hoped, to the tender ministries of a competent, licensed mechanic.

It is unknown if the young lady, though clearly rueful, appreciated how the entire community is diminished when a really cool muscle-car is mistreated. If the driver of the genuine article felt the Cobra reproduction should rightly have taken the hit, he did not say so.

The victim, in happier times

The victim, in happier times

Bad Moon Rising

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A local woman was “very upset” and “appalled” while driving north on Evergreen Parkway, but not for any of the normal reasons. She was tooling along near Brookline Road at about 2 p.m. when a white pickup truck approached. It contained two twenty-somethings who were furiously honking, presumably as a courtesy since there was a show coming. Turning to look, she was treated to a young man’s big white butt. That was clearly unacceptable behavior, she told deputies, because “a child could have been exposed to that big white butt.” She demanded to know how the officer planned to proceed. The officer proceeded to telephone the lunar delinquent at home and ask what – besides his big white butt – was up. “She cut us off,” he explained, “so we mooned her.” The deputy advised the lad to keep his cratered keester below the horizon from now on.

moon

 

The river’s edge, revisited

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After unsuccessfully trying to locate a motorcycle reportedly submerged in Bear Creek, deputies contacted the reporting party. The man – himself apparently awash in strong libations – led them to the stream and somewhat impatiently pointed out the sunken bike and the ghastly human body trapped beneath it. Alas, try as they might, the officers saw only an old broken taillight and small, waterlogged tree branches in the clear, shallow water. Satisfied of his mistake, the man allowed himself to be escorted home where he immediately got into a screaming match with his landlords, who told deputies they’d just as soon not have him back under the circumstances. Seeking sanctuary in his upstairs apartment, the man declined to come down and refused to keep his hands in plain sight. When pressed to vacate, the man laid hands on the peace officers and received a double-Taser-whammy for his trouble. Deputies arrested the electronically chastened fellow for obstruction.

Feelings wounded in Genesee Dam melee

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The bitter conflict over proposed Genesee Dam erupted into fresh hostilities, last week, as several units of the Bear Creek Provisional Army staged a daring mid-morning raid on strategically-vital Ralston Valley.

Fighting turns discourteous

At approximately 10:15 a.m. on Thursday, two regiments from Idledale’s Tactical Assault Command attacked northward up Cold Spring Gulch, blanketing the valley with a heavy barrage of independent geological studies and legally-ambiguous petitions and forcing defenders to abandon their well-fortified but lightly-manned positions.

“We weren’t ready for them,” admitted Genesee Home Guard commander Alexander DeGroot. “Tony Danza was interviewing Dr. Phil on TV, so our line was stretched pretty thin.” Nevertheless, DeGroot was able to rally his forces to make a last-ditch stand at the valley’s north end until reinforcements could be brought up from Genesee Towne Center, where they were sipping flavored coffee and thumbing recent copies of Conde Nast. “It was touch and go for awhile,” DeGroot said. “There was a virtual hail of documents coming down on us. It was the most legally-precarious situation I’ve ever experienced.”

Replenished Neighborhood Watch formations broke out southward in Battalion strength at about 10:45, covered on their southern flank by withering indignation and firing volley after volley of 88 mm long-range meteorological projections.

“We hadn’t anticipated the ferocity of Genesee’s counter-attack,” said Roman Scipio, commanding Idledale’s ground forces. “Their scientific data was clear, concise, and very hard to repudiate.”

At 11:05, just as it appeared that Bear Creek’s forward elements would be forced from Ralston Valley completely, two companies of Kittredge’s elite Troublesome Gulch Brigade swept in on DeGroot’s northern flank, hurling charges of economic imperialism and bombarding Genesee troops with environmental-impact cluster munitions.

“They nearly broke us with their explosive rhetoric,” said Genesee infantryman Bernie Montgomery, sipping a robust Chablis and working through a plate of scallops in cream sauce Thursday night at the Chart House. “They were more like animals than men.”

After nearly 20 minutes of violent oratory and general confusion, a neatly-groomed young couple appeared driving a VW Bug and distributing copies of “The Watchtower,” forcing both warring factions into full retreat. “I barely had time to get home, put my car in the garage and close the drapes,” Scipio said. “No amount of strategic planning can anticipate every contingency.”