Certainly not you, which is why I’ve taken the extraordinarily generous step of providing for you this valuable repository of high-quality, author-approved, pre-pondered thoughts to help you feel and appear informed in virtually any social or professional situation.

There’s no charge. It’s a service.

I exist to serve.

For your added convenience I have divided this valuable trove of scientific, cultural and spiritual knowledge into bite-sized categories, enabling you to quickly and easily fill your cranial cup in anticipation of specific intellectual challenges.

 About   About me, of course, because from Bombay, to Botany Bay, to the Back Bay of Boston, my name comes up a lot. You need never again feel left out of that enriching discourse.

 News   I’ve got my finger on humanity’s pulse, and now you can, too. The news of the world artfully distilled down to its essential ingredients and lightly seasoned with penetrating insights and a couple of bay leaves, although, honestly, I have no idea what bay leaves do. 

 Old News   Allow me to re-introduce you to civilization’s rich and ancient tapestry, only with fewer droning speeches and more adult themes and situations. Browse this with someone you love.

 Picks ‘n’ Peeves   Controversies of universal interest and importance are too often obscured by gray clouds of ignorance. Discover herein an infallible prism through which you’ll find irrefutable and conversation-tested clarity.

 Small-time Crime   A tempting selection of neighbors misbehaving gleaned from a small-town police blotter. The names have been changed to protect the imprudent.

 Happy Trails   When not busy instructing, correcting and enlightening grateful associates, I can often be found relaxing among Nature’s many splendors. Join me, won’t you?

 Snack Sack   A perspicacious potpourri of topical tidbits that, when used as directed, are guaranteed to launch you into a shiny new galaxy of wine tastings, poetry readings, basket socials and other cosmopolitan cultural calamities. Van Dykes and tweed jackets sold separately. And don’t say you were never warned.

 Novelty   Welcome to the serialized version of a novel I’ve been fiddling with since Tutankhamen was a pup. How will it end? I honestly have no idea. But I am open to suggestions.

 Face facts: No matter how much time you spend thinking, you could still be wrong.

Decline the daily drudgery of deliberation.

You’ve got living to do.

 Leave the thinking to me.