A Florence Road resident called 911 to report someone yelling for help near his home. Following faint calls of “help me,” the responding deputy located a mostly naked and fully inebriated woman lying on the ground. “I think I broke my hip,” she said, clearly in pain. “I’ve been crawling for hours.” While largely incoherent, the woman managed to say that someone she “thought was a friend” had drugged and molested her, and that she’d escaped by leaping from a window, although she couldn’t recall who had mistreated her or where he could be found. As soon as Elk Creek Fire Rescue personnel arrived the deputy began scouting for the source of the self-defenstrating damsel, and soon discovered white curtains fluttering from an open third-story window on Alvin Place. Entering through an unlocked basement door, he quickly located a fully-clothed man sleeping one off in that upstairs bedroom next to the woman’s discarded clothing. The man said that he and the injured woman had been romantically involved for about three weeks and had no idea why she would jump out of the window. The home’s owners, roused from deep slumber in an adjacent bedroom, confirmed that they’d all spent a perfectly congenial evening together and couldn’t explain the woman’s flight. Discovering a small quantity of ganja in the man’s wallet, deputies arrested him anyway, an action he protested loudly, frankly and continually. The woman was transported to Saint Anthony’s Central, where medicos found no sign of ungentlemanly 
trifling, and observed that people with her Himalayan blood-alcohol-content are often subject to hallucinations and erratic behavior
Category Archives: Small-time Crime
Dog dealer a purebred cur
The woman was howling mad. She said she’d talked
to a man over the phone last May about getting title to a factory-fresh German
shepherd. The fellow assured her that as soon as her check cleared he’d make a
call to Germany and have her pup on the next boat out of Bremerhaven. She wired
him the full $1,875 sticker price and fully expected to be enjoying sloppy
dog-kisses within five weeks. She’s been long-distance-dogging the man ever
since but he keeps putting her off with one flea-bitten excuse after another
and, so far, hasn’t macht mit der hundt, or returned her gelt. JCSO
investigators have now picked up the scent.
Suspicion!
A sharp-eared citizen contacted JCSO dispatch at
about 6 p.m. on Oct. 9 to report a suspicious incident she’d witnessed at
Safeway. She told deputies that, while dropping off a passenger at the
Evergreen Parkway grocery, she observed a girl of possibly 9 years standing on
the sidewalk near the entrance. Suddenly, a 35-ish man wearing a “Little Bear”
T-shirt emerged from the store and, passing by the girl in a suspicious manner,
suspiciously looked down and told her “you look nice.” He then suspiciously
continued into the parking lot, got into his car suspiciously, and suspiciously
drove away. The girl, perhaps stunned by the encounter, waited a few moments
and then wandered back inside. The girl could not be located for interview. The
witness provided officers with the suspicious man’s license plate number, but a
check with dispatch turned up nothing suspicious.
Where the Woman Comes Weaving ‘cross the Lane
At about 2 o’clock in the a.m., a deputy pulled over a gray Volkswagen with Oklahoma plates after it wandered over a double-yellow on Brook Forest Road and nearly joined him in the front seat of his patrol car. The talkative young lady behind the wheel sloppily explained that she was merely headed home from her bartending shift at an elegant Kittredge restaurant. Since her shift ended at 10 p.m. and her breath was stripping the finish off his badge, the officer wondered if maybe she’d used the 4-hour interval to knock back a few, or a few dozen. “I’m not going to say anything because I don’t want to incriminate myself,” she barely pronounced, right before launching into a rambling explanation about how she’d spent the time doing “paperwork, employee evaluations, etcetera, etcetera.” As luck would have it, a noble Samaritan sporting Georgia plates and claiming to manage her place of work stopped at the scene. He explained that he was “following her to make sure she got home safely,” although he couldn’t explain how following in a separate vehicle ensured anything besides a good view to her misfortune. On the way down to Jeffco’s lock-up, the synthetically emotional woman ran by turns hostile and sarcastic, surly and depressed, and loudly musical. On arrival, she sought to confound her tormentor by standing board-stiff just outside the door, but he artfully countered by physically dragging her into the booking office and citing her for driving while high as an elephant’s eye.
You must be logged in to post a comment.