In the small hours of the morning deputies contacted two men in the 20000 block of Highway 74 and arrested one of them on an outstanding warrant. Turning their attention to the other, they asked the fellow if the black backpack he carried contained anything untoward, and he assured them it didn’t. Unconvinced, the deputies opened a zippered pocket on the bag to reveal a pipe cleverly designed to mimic the appearance of a cigarette and well-encrusted with suspiciously fragrant residues. Again the officers asked the man if his bag held anything they should know about, and again he said no. Reaching into the backpack a second time, the deputies produced a package of Zig-Zag rolling papers and wondered aloud whether the man used them to roll tobacco. “I use them to smoke marijuana,” he said, “like everyone else.” Despite the man’s admirable candor, the deputies confiscated the illicit trove.

A woman contacted JCSO dispatch to report that a county snowplow driver had harassed her. Deputies initially contacted the woman’s husband, who claimed that the plow operator had “quit doing his job” and was “spying on” his wife. Unfortunately, he was nowhere in the vicinity during the woman’s ordeal and the officer asked to speak to the actual complainant. She explained that she’d been taking a walk with her dog on the previous afternoon when a snowplow operator stopped his vehicle and rebuked her for allowing the animal to wander around unleashed. He also repeatedly requested her address, which she refused to divulge. “I don’t think he should be asking women where they live,” she told the deputy. “He’s hired to snowplow. I pay taxes, you plow. That’s his job.” After giving her a sympathetic hearing, the officer confirmed that county ordinance requires that her dog be leashed when gadding about the neighborhood. She countered by asserting that, in like circumstances, a teenage girl might foolishly provide her address to her own peril. The officer said he would talk to the plow driver’s supervisor.

Good news! The Old West is alive and well in Jefferson County. One morning last week, a young cowgirl moseyed down to a local livestock boarding facility to see after her stock, but found only an empty stall and a feedbag full of mystery. Perhaps just hours before, dad-blamed varmints unknown had snatched her week-old calf without leaving so much as a boot print. A quick scout of the muddy ground outside the stall revealed no tiny hoof-marks, meaning the rustlers likely carried the 90-pound barbecue variety-pack away in their thieving arms. Interested posses should be on the lookout for a sloe-eyed black and white dogie with the number 84 tagged to his right ear, his birthday – 03/13/2014 – tagged to his left, and his Rocky Mountain oysters intact. The brand inspector has been notified.

Shortly after midnight, deputies rushed to West Jefferson Middle School to investigate accounts of motor vehicles and furtive flashlights on the school’s running track. In truth, the situation was more silly than sinister. Afflicted by middle-class ennui and hankering for adventure, three bold teens had decided that an after-hours spin around the track in a Toyota 4-Runner would give their Wednesday night meaning. “Plows drive on it,” one young man offered in their defense. Unfortunately, those plows had scraped the entire asphalt track clean with the exception of a single 30-foot stretch – at least 20 feet more than the kids needed to get hopelessly stuck. They immediately summoned a friend with a Dodge Dakota pickup and a tow rope, and the officers surprised them trying to free the 4-Runner. Taking matters in hand, deputies parked the sheepish young men in the back seats of their patrol cars and called Jeffco Schools security and a tow truck. The R-1 security man allowed that, as nothing seemed to be damaged aside from the teens’ street cred, he’d settle for simple trespass charges. For his part, the tow truck driver took one look at the narrow running track and said the young hooligans were on their own. Luckily, the Dakota was up to the job, and the rascals escaped with only chastened pride and third-degree trespassing citations. The officer noted that the four were uniformly cooperative and respectful throughout their ordeal.

Here’s a beauty: At about 5 p.m. a deputy was summoned to a South U.S. Highway 285 address to consider a reported livestock problem. On arrival, he discovered a goat scampering freely about the yard. Only it wasn’t his yard. The homeowner explained that she hadn’t previously been introduced to the creature and couldn’t begin to guess its proper address. At her wits end, she just wanted it gone. The officer dutifully called animal control, which suggested she give them another buzz about the same time the next day if the ornery pest was still hanging around. Perhaps feeling unappreciated, the goat leapt onto the cruiser’s driver’s side hood, thoroughly scratching it, then danced over to the passenger side and left his signature there. As the officer drove away in defeat, the animal repeatedly took up station in front of the cruiser, forcing him to stop. Each time he stopped, the bearded beast leapt back on the hood, or carved little frescoes into the passenger-side door. At last free and away, the deputy summoned a crime scene technician to assess the damage to his vehicle.