Returning home to a violent and bloody scene late on the evening of June 20, a young Alabraska Lane woman’s frantic summons brought deputies a-runnin’. After certifying the house un-lurked, officers heard the following account. With her parents out of town, the restless teen had invited her boyfriend over to “hang out” and, while he tinkered with his jeep in the driveway, she buzzed off to a local grocery where she met a pair of old high school chums who were also eager to “hang out.” Together, the carefree foursome “hanged out” at her house until about 10 p.m. when the boyfriend went home in compliance with a court-ordered curfew and the daughter of the house drove her classmates back to the market. Back home, she was alarmed to discover the taillights of her boyfriend’s jeep alight and a big smash-mark in the garage door where the vehicle had apparently rammed head-long into it. Her apprehension deepened when, scoping the premises, she found a shattered framed photograph on her bedroom floor and – horrors! – one of her two cherished pet rats “ripped in half.” Competent and perceptive deputies soon apprehended perfectly rational explanations for all the carnage. As a deputy poked around the garage, the jeep’s starter motor began cranking, moving the vehicle forward of its own accord. From this the officer deduced that the boyfriend’s inexpert disassembly of the steering column left a recurring ignition short that obviated the need for key or driver. As to the broken picture, the boyfriend admitted to officers over the phone that he’d accidentally knocked it to the floor and shattered it, but thoughtfully chose not to trouble his sweetie about it. And the bisected rodent? Big surprise – the boyfriend again. Contrary to his girlfriend’s strict instructions that the pair remain forever estranged, he’d put them in a cage together where one, perhaps disgusted by the other’s revolting sanitary habits, messily partitioned its cellmate. Confronted by the evidence, the girl seemed both relieved and a wee bit sheepish. “I guess no one broke in, huh?” she said.

EVERGREEN – A young pedestrian strode into JCSO’s mountain substation bright and early on June 22 to report the theft of his bicycle and point the finger at the possible thief. He said he’d purchased the economical conveyance last Christmas but hadn’t gotten around to riding it until quite recently – just in time, it seems, for somebody to snatch it from his porch. Fortuitously, during his hike down to the cop-shop he’d spied a male person wearing a baseball cap and dark-colored hoodie pedaling west along Buffalo Park Road atop what appeared to be his missing velocipede. Confronting the rider, he asked if the man “wanted to confess something.” The man didn’t, of course, but did “appear nervous” while explaining that he’d received the brand-new bicycle as a gift “a couple years ago.” Lacking concrete proof of the cyclist’s guilt, the complainant could do little but watch him ride away and hope that sheriff’s deputies could collar the crook based on his description of the stolen vehicle and its presumed stealer. Alas, until more evidence comes to light, investigators are just spinning their wheels.

CONIFER – On the evening of June 11, a very small rancher asked JCSO for help returning a very small animal to his very small spread. According to Ol’ MacDonald’s statement, his male pigmy goat fled the dell on June 9 and was recovered by an area couple later that same day. He knew that because the couple left him a phone message on June 9 requesting that he retrieve the brown and white vagrant forthwith, followed by another to the effect that they weren’t running a barnyard B&B and had farmed the furry fugitive out to a woman at an un-named local feed store. Unable to contact the critter’s reluctant rescuers regarding its precise whereabouts, JCSO left it up to the animal’s owner to find out who got his goat.

Hearing a perfect storm of screaming epithets and slamming doors blowing in from an adjacent unit on the evening of May 7, a John Wallace Road residence called JCSO dispatch to report a violent domestic disturbance. Investigating, deputies spoke to the man’s youngish neighbor who admitted making a bit of a commotion, but said his wrath had been directed at the television, not his wife. Apparently, he’d been playing a video game with extraordinary gusto and let his enthusiasm get the better of him. His wife backed up his story, saying that her husband plays video games more or less constantly and “gets upset when he loses.” Officers relayed this information to the complainant who said that, in his opinion, the cyber-sportsman’s viciously insulting language made no sense in that context. In any case, he told the deputies, he was weary of his neighbor’s noisy disturbances and wanted him charged with something – anything – and he’d gladly offer testimony against him at trial. Hoping to pull his plug, or at least turn down his volume, deputies cited the virtual gladiator for disorderly conduct.

U.S. 285 – At least the stolen vehicle should be easy to spot in traffic. On the afternoon of May 21, a woman called JCSO dispatch to report the theft of an electric-blue Jeep with a neon-pink roll-bar and blazing orange seats and steering wheel. According to her statement, she’d parked the retina-searing prize near the top of her driveway – which opens onto U.S. Highway 285 – at about 4:30 p.m., only to discover it missing just five minutes later. Though she couldn’t provide the filched 4-by-4’s blue book value, the woman said she’d try to locate its VIN number. Until then, sheriff’s deputies should be on the lookout for (seriously) a 2007 Power Wheels Barbie Jeep.