A woman on South End Road called for a badge at about 1:45 a.m. on July 5 after mixing it up with a neighbor. According to her statement, she’d been snug abed when, at about 1:30, she heard a loud noise outside and rose to discover her rocking horse apparently run over and lying in the driveway behind her car, and her neighbor and his friend walking away from his car. She inquired as to why he’d run down her rocking horse, but he merely laughed and retired to his apartment, directly above her own. Angered, she intended to drive over to her mom’s house, but said that as she started to leave the two men came out and started banging on her hood. Startled, she “bumped” the rocking horse with her car, then ran back inside and called the cops. For his part, the neighbor denied hitting the toy horse or pounding on the woman’s car, but both he and his friend clearly recalled seeing their accuser back into the plastic pony, run over a child seat lying nearby and yell at a neighbor who imprudently came out to see what all the ruckus was about. At first, the woman told the officer, she’d merely wanted him to compel her neighbor to apologize. Upon reflection, however, she’d decided that he should make two girls staying the night at the man’s apartment go home. Alas, the deputy explained, as far as he could tell no crime had been committed, leaving him no grounds to make anybody go anywhere. Fortunately, the woman and her family are moving soon, and all parties said they’d try to get along till then.

Festering frustrations and flying food brought a sheriff’s deputy to a Kingsbury Road duplex on the evening of July 1. According to the man on the ground floor, the guy upstairs had been a fly in his chowder ever since moving in four months ago. Upon hearing the top-floor man return home earlier that afternoon, the first-story fellow headed for the patio with his video camera hoping to film his adversary during an un-neighborly moment. Imagine his chagrin when – without any provocation at all, mind you – hot entree and cold beverage came raining down from the deck above, nearly soiling his shirt and fouling his lens. In his defense, the accused supper-slinger said he’d merely stepped outside to dine al fresco and, startled by the sight of a camera pointing up at him from below, accidentally dropped his dinner. Eager to put a lid on the simmering hostilities, the landlord dropped by and offered to let the second-story man out of his 1-year lease, and the earlier the better. Having perhaps lost his appetite for conflict, the tenant agreed to vacate the premises by the end of August. Although no charges were filed, nobody went to bed hungry for justice.

It’s nice to know that selling stuff online doesn’t have to be detached and impersonal. On June 29, a Conifer cyber-entrepreneur called JCSO dispatch with details of a fairly warm exchange he’d shared after listing an automobile on Craig’s List. When a certain interested party saw the posting and phoned for details, the would-be salesman explained that he’d purchased the car a mere two weeks earlier for the specific purpose of driving it to SoCal and back and, its mission accomplished, he’d put the item back on the block. Rather than praise the seller for his industry and candor, the caller angrily accused him of illegal trade practices and negotiations broke down abruptly. Shortly after, a man who sounded an awful lot like the dissatisfied prospect left him a voice mail saying “you must be the little (bad person) that’s selling the car,” and promising to drop by one day soon to test-drive his kiester with a hob-nailed boot. When pressed by deputies for more information, the complainant allowed that he might have used caller-ID to make a counter-offer including strong misgivings about the fellow’s manhood and possibly describing him as a “piece of (biological waste).” Either way, he wanted the transaction documented in case the man tries to close the deal.

Speaking of mountain warfare, a long-suffering woman walked into JCSO’s mountain substation on June 23 to see a (police) man about a horse. Her unhappy tale began three years ago, when an otherwise inoffensive female moved in across the street from her Upper Bear Creek home and immediately suggested the complainant sell her a portion of her property. Though an essential social lubricant, neighborliness can be pressed too far and she refused to give ground, which in no way discouraged the new gal on the block from taking improper liberties with the complainant’s hay field. Shortly after moving in, the neighbor held a house party and had her guests park their cars on that lush acreage, and on numerous occasions her son and his dogs have been observed romping destructively through the hay. On each occasion, the complainant called the neighbor to explain that the meadow is neither a parking lot nor playground, but a functioning hay field that’s more easily harvested when not stomped flat. The last straw came on June 19, when she learned that the woman’s horses were contentedly munching on her ripening silage. “I ran out of hay up above and brought them down,” said the neighbor, by way of explanation. The complainant asked her to remove the beasts from her field and, the next day, posted “No Trespassing” signs around the crop. Not long after, the presumptuous horsewoman left a baleful message on her answering machine, which she played for the deputies. “Thank you for the signs you put on your fence, they’re really attractive. I’m going to call the county and report all of the diseased trees and voles in your yard. I love the elk coming through, leaving excrement in the yard. The war is on.” While the complainant said she didn’t want to “make trouble” for her neighbor, she didn’t want to let her threats go undocumented, either.

On the evening of June 21, an exasperated fellow called JCSO hoping to file a harassment complaint against a bothersome neighbor. According to his complaint, he and a nearby homeowner had maintained an uneasy DEFCON 3 for some time, but he felt he’d been pushed to battle-stations earlier that day when he began mowing his lawn and his noisome nemesis strolled over to watch the entire process at close range. Just as he finished the chore, the neighbor muttered something about his yard presenting a “wildfire hazard” in a tone that the target perceived as “derogatory”. Given that the complainant never actually ordered the man off of his property, the pesky neighbor’s unhelpful behavior was more irritating than illegal, and the responding deputy judged a harassment charge unwarranted. The cold war continues.