As if the morning commute wasn’t stressful enough already, a man contacted JCSO on the morning of Oct. 14 to report being menaced by a neighbor while driving to work. According to his statement, he’d seen the man – who apparently believes that his property rights extend to the public boulevard – standing in the middle of Larkspur Drive holding a hammer. Perhaps preferring not to know why, the complainant edged around the lightly-armed roadblock, prompting the man to brandish the hammer in a threatening manner. The officer barely had time to digest that testimony before the phone started ringing again. This time, it was a woman complaining that the hammer-wielding neighbor stood in the roadway until she stopped, then leaned on the window frame and told her “not to come down this road anymore.” She explained that she had little choice, but he was unmoved. “I don’t have time for this,” she told him, and drove away without further incident. When contacted by authorities, the road-hog said he’d put “No Trespassing” signs along the road, and flatly denied waving the hammer at his first detractor and exchanging words with the second. The officer advised the man that his was a case for the civil courts, to which he replied that he’d already been down that road and the deputy should just arrest him. That, explained the officer, “is what we are trying to prevent.”

EVERGREEN – Responding to a reportedly suspicious incident on South Hatch Drive, a deputy passed a superannuated Ford pickup leaving the scene towing a hot tub on a trailer. When stopped on Buffalo Park Road, the driver said he’d purchased the spa from the home’s resident – a buddy of his from a downtown watering hole – and even produced a signed bill of sale. According to the home’s owner, however, the therapeutic bath was abandoned at the rental property several years ago by a tenant who skipped on his lease, and the fellow selling the article didn’t live there anymore, either. The landlord said he could have the hot tub, for all he cared, but that would definitely conclude the highly irregular yard sale. If he returns to that house, the deputy advised tub’s new owner, he’ll be in hot water.

CONIFER – At first, the thoroughly schnockered young fellow caught snoozing in the Mountain View RTD lot at about 2 a.m. had only this to say: “My sister’s kids…punk little kids.” While ill-behaved children might easily drive a man to drink, his statement didn’t explain how he wound up inexpertly parked in the middle of nowhere, or what he planned to do next. With a little patient cajolery, the deputy learned that the man had come from Bailey, and was on his way home – to Bailey. Rather than try to reconcile that remarkably inefficient itinerary, the deputy turned his attention to the open beer on the floorboard. He asked permission to poke around the car a little bit, and the sleepy driver was down with that. When the officer turned up a quantity of sweet-smelling herb and a dainty little pipe, he was down with that, too. He was even down with a few roadside maneuvers, he just couldn’t get them down right. The deputy cited the man for underage drinking and placed him in custody. Ironically, he may have spent the rest of the night surrounded by punk kids.

EVERGREEN – An exceptionally observant Bluebell Lane called JCSO to insist that somebody look into the suspicious doings on the 10-acre spread next door. According to the complainant’s statement, he’d recently witnessed his neighbor digging a “suspicious hole” in the back yard. Furthermore, the man had previously removed a septic tank from that exact location, so there was “no reason for him to be digging with a backhoe.” Even worse, while monitoring the scene with binoculars he’d detected a “wooden board” covering the excavation. Finally, his sister (extraordinary vigilance must run in the family) observed the neighbor’s kids hauling buckets of something or other from the horse-barn to the hole. After mulling the situation, the deputy concluded that compelling evidence of nefarious activity was entirely lacking and chose not to delve into the matter more deeply.

EVERGREEN – …only to reopen it on the evening of Nov. 9, after the carrot-colored connoisseur flagged him down near the Loaf ‘N’ Jug on Bergen Parkway. It seems the man had run out of gas on Highway 74 and asked the officer if, after purchasing a couple of gallons, he could get a courtesy ride to his stranded pickup. That was just fine with the officer, so the man went inside to pre-pay and then came out to the pump, closely followed by the gas station attendant who told the man he could keep his $10 bill and strongly suggested he take his business elsewhere. When asked by the deputy to elaborate, the attendant said the man had entered the store with all cylinders firing. “Do your job,” he howled, slapping down a ten-spot, “and turn the (funking) pump on!” When the attendant inquired as to which pump interested him, he dropped the mask of affability and screamed “Are you (funking) stupid?” Faced with this testimony, the man admitted yelling at the attendant, but stood by his original assessment. “I called him (funking) stupid because he is (funking) stupid.” The deputy issued him a summons for disorderly conduct and advised him that returning to the Loaf ‘N’ Jug in the future would constitute criminal trespass. Still angry and orange, the man departed the scene on foot.