It only warms you twice if you burn it

Some folks don’t know a good thing when they see it. On the morning of June 17, a Forest States Road resident summoned deputies regarding a troublesome buildup of fireplace-ready wood on his property. According to his statement, his woody lot is shaped like a slice of pizza, and is fenced around except for at its cheesy, bite-able tip. Several times during the last three years, he groused, timber-faeries unknown have been cutting wood elsewhere and depositing the fuel on the unfenced point of his wedge. Just two days prior, for example, he’d found a large number of lodgepole pine logs between 10 feet and 20 feet in length piled there. After laboriously cutting them into fireplace-sized pieces, he’d thrown them away. The deputy volunteered to ask after the careless woodcutter around the neighborhood, but the complainant had no appetite for confrontation. He planned to install “No Trespassing” signs at the end of his slice, he explained, and continue paying exorbitant prices for natural gas.

woodcutter

 

 

No Place for Patriots

Firecrackers

 

A GALLANT SACRIFICE –             The best thing about illegal fireworks from a law-enforcement perspective is that they’re easy to spot. Spotting one such infraction on South Maplewood Drive from a mile away, deputies arrived to see a knot of eight people milling around on the sidewalk surrounded by a litter of spent ordnance. Rather than risk a hand-cramp, an officer advised the crestfallen crew that if one selfless soul would accept responsibility for the show he wouldn’t ticket the whole group. Cut from the very noblest American cloth, one P. Revere stepped forward and with great dignity surrendered a plastic bag containing 19 Cannon Thunder Bomb Flashcrackers, 11 Black Cat Yellow Rose Texas Rockets, and 113 Red Lantern Whistling Moon Travelers. In exchange, the deputy gave Revere a summons for possession of prohibited fireworks and torched all those awesome fireworks in a big JCSO barrel where nobody could see it.

22767891_SA

BOOM AND BUST – It was nearing midnight when dispatch received a report that misguided patriots were illegally lighting up their South Pierson Street neighborhood with illuminations of the proscribed kind. Arriving on scene, deputies quickly identified the source of the stunning display – two strapping young citizens who were standing in the middle of the street holding matching firing-tubes, sending brilliant red bombs rocketing skyward and bursting in air. For their part, the two young rebels quickly identified the end of their good time approaching and instantly swapped their launchers for beer bottles, hoping to blend into the small crowd of spectators. It was too late, of course. Deputies confiscated their substantial remaining supply of “Fire Bombs with report”, leaving only their modest cache of less vigorous combustibles along with ticket for illegally declaring independence from county fireworks ordinances.

LOYALIST CAN’T QUENCH PATRIOTIC SPIRIT With only four minutes left of Independence Day, 2013, one B. Arnold at last resolved to report his firecracker-shooting neighbor, one P. Henry, to JCSO. The moment county cruisers hove in port, deputies observed a crowd of at least 20 people scatter like Frenchmen into nearby homes, leaving Henry alone in the street to face superior forces. Bummed, but unbowed, Henry somberly ceded to deputies the last un-fired item in his arsenal – a Zenith Specialties Turbo Booster Aerial Rocket he’d driven all the way to Wyoming to get.

Capulet vs Montegue – This Time it’s Personal

Juliet

CONIFER – At least the deputy responding to a domestic disturbance one morning last week knew all the characters. After standing by to keep the peace while a long-suffering Romeo evicted his hard-drinking Juliet from their turbulent nest about a month ago, he’d been summoned back after the jilted damsel staged another dramatic scene. According to Romeo’s critical review, Juliet had dropped by for a visit and immediately made free with his cache of intoxicating spirits. Unable to abide her weakness for strong drink, he pronounced the breach between them beyond repair. Distraught and deeply in her cups, Juliet began emoting with great vigor and hurling props – including a pot of coffee – in a powerfully theatrical bid to regain her former lover’s affections. Unmoved, yet fearful lest she injure herself, or worse, any more of his cherished possessions, Romeo grasped Juliet in an encompassing embrace and shuffled her off stage and into the arms of a loyal confederate, who whisked her off to find solace in blessed repose and Tylenol. Should she return, Romeo warned, he’ll see her stand before the magistrate.

 

If only they weren’t so darned, er, portable

stolenLaptopEVERGREEN – A Bergen Park electronics salesman called the JCSO help-desk on the morning of May 10 after getting burned by a hot prospect. The day before, he moaned, a young Hispanic fellow wearing a muscle shirt and a couple gigs of tattoo-graphics on his bare arms and shoulders came in to size up TVs and, after maybe 45 minutes of judicious FAQs, chose one. When the salesman returned from the stock room with his merchandise, however, his hard-won sale had vanished from the showroom, as had an HP Pavilion notebook computer. Intriguingly, a gentleman matching the shifty shopper’s description performed an identical shop-and-shimmy at the chain’s Golden outlet just three days before, but somehow the corporate APB never made it up the canyon. As to recovering its pilfered property, it seems the venerable technology shop doesn’t employ video security technology, and nobody ever thought to note the missing computer’s serial number. Pending further data, the Case of the Purloined Pavilion remains in sleep mode.

 

 

A Hire Form of Justice

CONIFER – After getting an unusually aggressive call-back regarding a spectacularly poor job applicant, a Main Street businessman decided to bring in an official consultant. According to his statement, the hopeful-but-hapless candidate called twice to set up interviews and immediately blew off both meetings. When he called to arrange a third strike, the businessman charitably advised him to save his gasoline as he was no longer in the running for the position. Not long after, a woman claiming to be the sad-sack’s mother, or maybe girlfriend (presumably not both) called in a huff – twice – vowing to “put them out of business” for not hiring her son/boyfriend/non-specific relation. While not particularly concerned for his commercial future, the complainant wanted an official account for his files.

applicant