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Imagine an engine that runs on water.

No more genuflecting to OPEC. With something like 326 million trillion gallons of go-juice laying around in plain sight, we can tell Saudi Arabia to stick it in its bore hole and laugh out loud as the screen door hits Venezuela in the Caracas.

No more air pollution. Water in, water out. Goodbye smog, hello fog. Imagine the universal jubilation as the scourge of global warming caused by excessive carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is transformed overnight into the menace of global cooling caused by a vast eruption of squeaky-clean water vapor that blots out the sun in a perpetual anthropogenic monsoon of benign emissions.

It could happen.

But not today.

220px-William_Nicholson_b1753Fact is, the theoretical potential for a water-fueled engine has been around since at least 1799, when English chemist William Nicholson discovered that a small electrical charge applied to a beaker of H2O will split the liquid’s molecules into their individual atomic elements. The process is called electrolysis, and it can be reproduced today by any half-wit bonobo with a mayonnaise jar, a 12-volt battery and a few inches of copper wire.

steve%20schmid%20water-engine1aIt was pretty sharp stuff back in the day, though, and by 1807 an enterprising French tinkerer named Francois Isaac de Revis used electrolysis to lay in a store of pure hydrogen and lashed together a motor to burn it in. The result was the world’s very first combustion engine, and it can fairly be said to have run on water. It was a scientific triumph, a commercial failure, and the first lap of a 200-year race to produce a viable successor.

Like electrolysis, the principles behind the water-powered engine are pretty basic. Water is composed of two hydrogen atoms and one atom of oxygen (H2O). Hydrogen – the most abundant element in the universe comprising about three-quarters of all known matter – is a highly flammable and efficient fuel capable of delivering more than twice as much bang for the buck as gasoline.

electrolysis_chemistryWater – fresh, tap, salt or otherwise – is fed into an electrolysis “fuel cell” where its hydrogen and oxygen atoms part company. Freed of their fire-retardant oxygen baggage, the hydrogen atoms are channeled into a combustion chamber. When ignited, they instantly re-combine with oxygen, releasing energy, and the repatriation of the sundered elements creates no residue more harmful than San Pellegrino

In theory, the pure water thus exhausted can be fed back into the fuel cell where, in theory, the energy it just produced can divide it again, creating, in theory, a self-sustaining system. In theory it’s the perfect perpetual-motion machine, and the only reason we’re not all driving around in 12-cylinder water-fueled Cadillacs is because all that giddy theorizing eventually crashes headlong into the immutable bridge-abutment of Natural Law.

Specifically, our hypothetical water-powered car shamelessly violates the First Law of Thermodynamics, which inconveniently insists that the total energy of an isolated system is constant. As Revis discovered to his chagrin, it takes precisely the same amount of energy to split a water molecule apart as it does to mash it back together first-law-of-thermodynamicsagain. In other words, the energy required by the water engine’s fuel cell is exactly the same amount created in its combustion chamber, and vice versa, leaving exactly no energy left over to perform useful work like, say, making beep-beep go zoom-zoom.

The water engine further falls afoul of the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which decrees that any closed energy system is only as good as the sum of its entropies. Water engines unavoidably shed energy in the form of heat, resulting in a net energy loss that can’t be replaced within the system, as previously harped about in the First Law of Thermodynamics.

But laws, as they say, are meant to be broken, and there’s never been a shortage of gutsy entrepreneurs who believe they can skirt the unreasonable dictates of physics, or who at least believe they can make a pool of trusting investors believe they can. Hardly a year goes by that some intrepid inventor doesn’t pop up on the Internet claiming to have solved the water engine riddle by adding some mysterious electron-rich substance to the water or by some proprietary fuel-cell tweak.

StanleyMeyersDuneBuggy-300x1681Perhaps the most famous – or infamous – of those maverick mechanics was Stan Meyer, an Ohio resident who 20 years ago claimed to have perfected the technology by adding deuterium to the water supply, and who three years later was successfully sued by a swarm of disappointed speculators. Meyer told everybody who’d listen that a nefarious conspiracy involving jealous automobile and oil interests lay behind his downfall, and when in 1998 he died suddenly in a restaurant parking lot it was assumed among his supporters that he’d been poisoned, a belief undoubtedly fortified by Meyer’s dying utterance, “I was poisoned.”

More recently, if less dramatically, in 2002 a New Jersey outfit calling itself Genesis World Energy convinced a collection of credulous capitalists to back its market-ready fuel cell to the tune of $2.5 million. No GWE fuel cells actually went to market, and in 2006 the company’s owner began serving a five year prison sentence for theft.

genepax-water-energy-system-car-01In 2008, amid equal parts public fanfare and industrial secrecy, scientists with Japanese-based start-up Genepax announced the perfection of a miraculous Water Energy System, assuring a petroleum-fatigued world that its water energy system was better than all previous water energy systems because they said so. Pressed to prove its claims, the company staged a public demonstration of its water-fueled vehicle, which was immediately recognized by everybody as an Indian-made electric car sold in the United Kingdom as the G-Wiz. Genepax shut down its website in 2009 citing burdensome “development costs.”

HHOBut that’s not to say you can’t burn hydrogen in your Outback if you feel like it. There are currently at least a dozen concerns that will gladly sell you an oxyhydrogen (HHO) kit with the promise of significantly improved gas mileage. Retailing for about $200.00, these devices are essentially modified electrolytic cells that split water molecules and blend the resulting gases into a flammable mixture two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen (ergo, HHO), which it pipes into your engine’s intake manifold on the not-unreasonable premise that the more oxyhydrogen you’re burning the less gasoline you’ll need. Alas, even that timid nod to water-power has its detractors, most of them pointing out that since the average family sedan gulps down about 500 liters of air per minute, and the average HHO generator cranks out less than a liter of oxyhydrogen per minute, any relief you experience at the pump will be of the purely psychological kind.

tomcatAnd it’s not to say that some folks aren’t burning water every day, after a fashion. The U.S. Navy, for example, is enjoying considerable success using sea water to fuel its jet aircraft, the difference being that instead of trying to burn its water-derived hydrogen, properly equipped Naval carrier vessels also separate sea water’s abundant store of carbon dioxide and distill the two gases into a hydrocarbon liquid jet fuel, in effect manufacturing their own high-seas brand of ersatz petroleum byproduct.

It’s all very discouraging. Will we ever tap the infinite power of water? Ever break the grip of Big Oil? Ever free the skies of noxious carbon emissions, or rejoice together as the mighty glaciers of yore march south once more bearing an inexhaustible cargo of frozen energy?

Maybe.

Just not today.

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SPC Berna Comes Home

Lori Vina-Guelich and her daughter, Olivia, arrived at 2:30, sharp.

“I think this is where we’re supposed to be,” said Lori, scanning Buchanan Recreation Center’s little-used Bergen Parkway access road in both directions. There was nobody in sight, unless she wanted to count the small clutch of ducks parked on Buchanan’s lower pond. “Maybe we’re early.”

Actually, she and 13-year-old Olivia were right on time. They’d come to Buchanan on the afternoon of Saturday, Dec. 6, to welcome a young man they’d never met back from a place they’d likely never see.

“We enjoy peace and beauty in Evergreen, and there’s not too much to worry about,” Lori observed. “Our soldiers are going through things I can’t even imagine. When I saw this posted online, we wanted to turn out.”

It was a small post, easily lost among the electronic chatter flashing across the Evergreen Colorado Neighbors & Friends Facebook page on a given day. A simple inquiry into the hows, whens and whys of decorating the “Welcome to Evergreen” sign near El Rancho in honor of Army Specialist Michael Berna, recently returned from Afghanistan’s plains.

“I sort of looked into what the military does over there, and what it’s like for them,” Olivia said, thoughtfully. “If I ever came home from someplace like that, I think a bunch of random people waiting for me would make me feel good.”

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On Feb. 1 of this year, SPC Michael Berna had been 21 years old for less than 24 hours when his unit deployed to the East. Attached to Apache Troop 1-75 of the 101st Airborne Division, Michael served as an Army Cavalry Scout out of sprawling Bagram Airfield, the United States’ largest military installation in Afghanistan and the physical linchpin of Western policy in that fractured nation. He often worked 18 hours a day, 12 of them surrounded by the armored bulkheads of a comfortless MRAP (mine-resistant ambush protected) vehicle. His job was to protect the base from the seldom-seen, but always lethal threats that lay just below every horizon, and to escort emissaries beyond those horizons and into the dark heart of Indian Country.

For nine long months Michael served his nation under arms, and for nine long months his mom, Judy, his dad, Jeff, his big-sister, Meredith, and his two little-brothers, Isaac and Sam, blessed his studiously blasé online correspondence and anxiously ticked off the days of his tour. On Nov. 1 of this year, Michael arrived stateside and started decompressing at a base in Kentucky. He was scheduled for leave in early December, and his mom went online to explore the possibility of a small, but heartfelt welcome.

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“What a nice thing to do, especially during the Holidays,” said Debbie Kelb, who showed up at 2:40 with her Bichon Shih Tzu, Sidney, at her side and neighborly empathy in her heart. “I’m happy for the opportunity to welcome one soldier home from service. All it costs is a little time.”

The crowd expanded exponentially at 2:45. The main formation had been mustering inside the recreation center and suddenly poured out in a merry march down to Bergen Parkway. By 2:50 both sides of the road were a riot of flags and balloons. Chris Adamowski rushed down from the recreation center pool, dripping wet and clad only in a bathing suit, flip-flops and a red-white-and-blue towel.

“I didn’t want to miss it,” Chris shivered. “Michael’s the man.”

See, Judy’s little post didn’t get lost in the online shuffle. It got noticed, and remarked, and passed along and around, and pretty soon her modest plan for a welcome-home banner out by the highway had grown into grass-roots happening. Call it the power of the Internet, call it a spontaneous burst of patriotism, call it the better angels of our natures, but Michael’s semi-intimate “Howdy” was fast becoming a rousing “Huzzah!”

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Not sure which car they should cheer, the assembled well-wishers hooted and hollered at most that passed by. Not sure what all the hullabaloo was about, most drivers jumped right into the spirit of the occasion anyway, honking and waving and clearly enjoying the spectacle. Standing on the shoulder with his tow-headed young son, Colby Corrin had come to celebrate the return of a brother in arms.

“I just finished 30 years in the Marines,” he explained. Colby spent the first 23 of those years with the British Royal Marines and the last seven as a commander in the U.S. Marines. He spent most of them in sketchy vacation destinations like Haiti, Sierra Leone and, yes, Afghanistan. Like most of the folks around him, Colby didn’t know Michael at all, but he knew very well what it means to finish a dangerous tour in one piece. “It’s nice when they come home,” he said, simply.

It was just after 3 o’clock when the Berna family – all of them, together – drove slowly past in a big brown Suburban. Michael smiled from the back seat, shading his eyes against the westering winter sun and plainly astonished at the view. A joyful spate of noise broke out, and a furious flurry of activity, and then the moment disappeared up the road and it was quiet again.

The moment reconvened a few minutes later in the Buchanan multi-purpose rooms, which had been united to host a reception, of sorts. It wasn’t a particularly fancy affair, but it was an entirely welcoming one. There were snacks, and drinks, and somebody put up a crock pot full of meatballs. There was information about Michael’s service, and face-painting for the kids. Evergreen sisters Caitlin and Sidney Powell – “Facing West” to their growing legion of fans – provided a perfect soundtrack in two-part harmony. The Bernas didn’t make any big speeches, and nobody asked for one.

“Thank you all for coming,” is most of what Judy said. “Have a good time.”

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By 3:30 the party was well underway, and it was good. Emissaries from local Boy Scout Troop 1776 and Cub Scout Pack 119 turned up to show solidarity with a fellow man in uniform. The way 11-year-old Steuart Richardson saw it, he and Michael are on kindred missions.

“We’re taught to take care of our neighbors, and that’s kind of what the Army does,” Steuart pointed out, persuasively. “Before we came here we were ringing bells for the Salvation Army.”

A table was provided, along with paper and pens, for any who wished to welcome Michael in a more permanent way. Rocking a totally awesome bat-mask he got from the face-painter, little Oliver Harmon bounced up to the table and started marshaling his letters. Trouble was, little Oliver had never composed a welcome-back-soldier note before and he wasn’t clear on the proper form. Showing commendable initiative, he grabbed the nearest already-written message and began painstakingly transposing it onto his own clean sheet.

“I thank you for your service!” he wrote. “Oliver”.

His mom, Rachel, stood by as he labored, offering only encouragement and letting her son work out the finer points of plagiarism all by his lonesome.

“I thought it would be a really positive thing to see,” said Rachel. “There’s a lot of negativity in the news. This looked like something happy. And it is!” she declared, a smile breaking across her face like her very own sunlight. “This is very happy thing!”

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Running the gauntlet of earnest well-wishers lining the sidewalk outside the recreation center, it can be said that Michael looked cool, amazingly fit, and a trifle apprehensive. Odd as it might sound, that calm and self-possessed young soldier who’d just spent the better part of a year playing cat-and-mouse with dangerous and determined enemies may have been slightly intimidated by the barrage of kindness directed at him from every side. Still, and to his very great credit, Michael repaid every kindness in kind.

He didn’t volunteer much, but he received every approach head-on, with a warm smile and a handshake, returned every thanks with genuine gratitude, and answered every question frankly, sincerely and with good grace. And, in a short while, Michael seemed to relax and accept all the unfamiliar attention in the generous spirit with which it was offered. He recalled the physical and emotional rigors of duty in Afghanistan.

“I thought about Evergreen every day,” Michael said. “I just wanted to come back here, grab my camping gear and go get lost in the mountains somewhere.”

He remembered coming home.

“We drove in at night, and you could only see the shadows of the mountains. It was so great to look out the window in the morning and see Evergreen.”

With more than a year to go on his hitch, he spelled out the program for the remainder of his leave.

“I have just under 30 days left. It’s the longest break I’ve had since I’ve been in. I’m just going to try to relax.”

And Michael reflected on his unexpected welcome, and on the gentle company that extended it.

“It’s strange,” he said, with vaguely perplexed shrug, “but it’s great to see how many people will turn out on a Saturday to make a stranger feel good.”

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Mocha and Mortality

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The group assembles on Saturday afternoons at 3 o’clock, once a month. There’s coffee, and sweet snacks, and sunlight pouring down from high windows on the west.

Mostly strangers to one another, the small circle of faces sip and chat and nosh and laugh until 4:30, then go their separate ways. Some will return, others will become strangers once more. Individually, they’re just regular folks with something on their minds. Together, they’re the Foothills Death Café.

global_272094732“We talk about death,” says Patsy Barnes, the café’s cordial hostess and able facilitator. “It’s not depressing. It can be philosophical, it can be spiritual, and it can even be political. What we talk about depends entirely on who comes. A lot of times it’s just somebody telling a story that they can’t tell anywhere else.”

“A woman in her early 30s came. Her friend was dying of breast cancer. She said her friend made a bucket list of five things she’d never get to do. Five of her closest friends had each taken one of those things and fulfilled it in her honor. The whole room got very quiet after she finished speaking. They could see there was a lot more to this death and dying than they thought. As far as I know that woman didn’t come back to Death Café. She just wanted to tell that story, and then she was done.”

Cafe_3The first-ever Death Café was held three years ago in the basement of one John Underwood, an English web designer who’d grown frustrated by the almost universal unwillingness to broach humanity’s single most unifying topic. Three years later, nearly 1,100 Death Cafes meeting on four continents have encouraged many thousands of people to peek through the mortal veil and share their observations.

The stated purpose of Death Café is simple, but says a mouthful.

“To increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives.”

deathcafelogo1To understand precisely what Death Café is, it may be helpful to understand exactly what it isn’t. Death Café is not a café. Underwood conceived it as a “social franchise” wholly owned and operated by whoever happens to show up at the appointed time and place. He adopted the coffee-house model on the principle that folks are more apt to speak freely out of mouths lubricated by hot beverage and strengthened by heavenly confection.

Death-Cafe-Event-Info2Death Café isn’t a business. It costs nothing to attend, charges no dues, and nobody’s ever made a dime from its practice, excepting perhaps the grateful barrista.

Death Café isn’t a support group, nor does it exist to counsel the bereaved.

“There’s no plan, no process, and nobody’s got an agenda,” explains Barnes. “It’s a discussion group, plain and simple. A lot of people are helped by listening to the stories and experiences of others, but any advice or guidance comes strictly from the group.”

 

“Her kidneys were failing and there’s no dialysis clinic up here. To get dialysis she’d have to move down the hill. She wasn’t afraid of dying, but she was afraid of leaving her home of 40-some years. It was a terrible struggle for her. If she didn’t do everything possible to stay alive, would she be committing suicide? If she didn’t get dialysis, would she be letting God down? You could see there was a lot of fear and doubt compressed inside that poor little woman, and her family wouldn’t talk about it with her.

DeathCafe_500“She told all of this to eight total strangers, and the group helped her think it through. They agreed that God wouldn’t do that; that God would respect and honor whatever decision she made. The transformation was amazing. The group gave her the permission she needed to die when she was ready. She was really looking forward to coming again, but she died before the next Death Café. It was a gift to everybody to hear her story and share her struggle with impending death.”

image1_1196Barnes launched Foothills Death Café last Spring, holding the first sessions at the Senior Resource Center before moving north to the most life-affirming place imaginable, Hearthfire Treats. As an ethicist, Barnes understands death, and as a former hospice nurse she’s seen her share of denial.

“Only in American is death optional,” she says. “We really think like that – if we don’t talk about it, it won’t happen. But if you don’t talk about death, you can’t plan for it. The consequences of that can be terrible for you and for everybody who loves you.”

DeathCafe_1Like its parent semi-organization, Death Café’s Foothill franchise is a growing voice in the public conversation. Barnes suspects the surge of interest is rooted in evolving attitudes regarding the rites and realities of modern mortality.

“Baby-boomers are looking to change our ideas about death. We have memories of funerals and rituals that have somehow been taken out of death and dying. Death has been put into sterile, antiseptic hospitals, and we don’t want that. We don’t want to go kicking and screaming into that good night. We want to talk about it, and to know our options.”

622x350Each month up to a dozen frank souls turn up at Hearthfire Treats to talk about it, to learn about their options, to ask questions, offer comments and, of course, share stories.

“Two years ago a dear childhood friend of mine lost her husband. I decided to get our closest 20 friends from high school to all go down to Tampa and support her. While I was there, I wanted to have a special sisters-only get-away with my special-needs sister. The moment I walked in the door she said “I want to be buried next to mom.’ I don’t know why she said that because there wasn’t anything wrong with her. We went to dinner, went to the beach, and had a great time. A week later she dropped dead. Sometimes I wonder if my sister didn’t somehow know that her time was coming. The thing is, without knowing it, I had built the support system of friends that would be there for me when she died. It’s still amazing to me how death can move in a circle, and how interconnected we are.”

“It takes great courage for some people to talk about death,” Barnes says. “They should think of Death Café as a tea party with a few friends where we sit and eat cake and talk about it. That’s how I think of it. It’s comfortable, casual place to learn from the experiences of others, and to share your own experiences. And if you have a story that can help someone else, why not tell it?”

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A-bout E-books

 

 

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That slight trembling sensation you feel beneath your feet is Johannes Gutenberg spinning in his grave like the plate cylinder on a high-speed Ryobi 3304 four-color press.

What’s got ‘The Goot’ wound up so tight? E-books, seemingly. Sure, digital dialogue has been around for more than 20 years, but it’s mostly in the last decade that volumes published in volts have begun plugging in at your local lending library. Rather than borrowing the latest James Patterson pot-boiler or self-help scripture bound in cumbersome and flammable cellulose, folks can snatch it lightly from the Internet for free via their local book repository.

ebook2It’s not your parents’ library, no ma’am, and depending on whom you ask the shotgun wedding of public libraries and e-books is either a bright new chapter in the story of the Information Age or the worst thing that’s happened to the written word since the paper louse. Either way, it’s a tale still young in the telling, and whether the end is written in black ink or 1s and 0s has yet to be seen.

The Jefferson County Public Library (JCPL) logged on to e-books back in 2006. Just so all we analog-rodytes are on the same page, here’s how it works.

Publishers – Hachette and HarperCollins are two of the biggest on the e-block – provide digital readables to online clearinghouses like Overdrive and 3M Cloud Library, which make them available to your local library by contract. The library doesn’t actually purchase e-books the way it does its physical copies, instead leasing the right to lend them under very specific terms. Leasing fees vary by title, and publishers can limit the number of times an e-book may be circulated before a fresh lease must be obtained.

Like just about everything else done on the Internet, checking out e-books is easily accomplished from anywhere, and at any time, with an absolute minimum personal investment. In Jeffco, it all starts with a quick trip to the “Downloads” page on JCPL’s website. First-time cyber-borrowers are asked to provide their library card number and select their e-reader of choice, such as Kindle, Nook, Android, iPhone, or whatchamajigger.

TeamEvg 173“Once you download the application that lets you check out e-books, you can check them out until the cows come home,” says JCPL spokewoman Rebecca Winning. “We have more than 50,000 titles available, both fiction and non-fiction, and we’re adding thousands more every month.”

Despite their insubstantial nature and infinite potential for reproduction, e-books behave a lot like the three-dimensional kind. Because each “copy” can be checked out to only one person at a time, popular titles will quickly form wait-lists. The standard loan period is three weeks, and at the appointed hour your e-book will quietly and instantly dissolve back into the electronic cloud from which it fell, making it impossible for even the most preoccupied patron to rack up so much as a nickel in late fees. E-books are fast, foolproof and free, and it makes one wonder why book publishers would allow their hottest new releases to be perused for nothing when they’re offering digital copies for sale.

“It’s a whole new model,” Winning explains. “It’s basically a new way of marketing, and what they’re seeing is that a lot of people will check out a book first, and then buy it.”

A recent study conducted in California’s Bay Area backs that up. More than half of regular e-book borrowers reported purchasing the last digital tome they borrowed, suggesting that while folks are pleased to get something for nothing, they’re also perfectly willing to pony up if they like the product.

“Publishers have to reach their customers, and the public library is an effective way for them to do that.”

AncientlibraryalexFor what it’s worth, the lavishly funded San Francisco Public Library offers nearly 700,000 titles in digital format, which is more e-books than the fabled Library of Alexandria had scrolls, although you probably won’t find Euclid or Archimedes gathering dust in ‘Frisco’s electronic archives. Jeffco has checked out nearly 39,000 e-books so far this year, and expects to round out 2014 with a cyber circulation in the neighborhood of 47,000. Granted, that’s something south of 5 percent of the county’s total circulation, but it’s still a whole bunch of pixilated prose.

Fast, flexible, free and no fees – what’s not to love? And yet the e-book lending paradigm has plenty of detractors, among them industry watcher Art Brodsky who takes issue with e-book pricing practices in a Wired.com article indelicately titled “The Abomination of Ebooks.”

jules verne“Sadly, pricing changes the game for library access,” Brodsky writes, “because e-book distributors have radically changed the pricing from that of regular books.”

The way Brodsky tell it, a newly released book by a top-selling author might in a brick and mortar environment retail for something like $15.49, or be purchased by a public library for around $14.40. The same book reduced to electrons would cost an online shopper a mere $6.50, while a library would be made to fork over about $78.00 – per digital copy – in leasing fees, and must then abide by such restrictions as are included between the lines.

germanCartoon“Somehow the ‘e’ in e-books changes the pricing game, and drastically,” grouses Brodsky. “How else does one explain libraries paying a $0.79 to $1.09 difference for a physical book to paying a difference of $71.50 just because it’s the electronic version? It’s not like being digital makes a difference for when and how they can lend it out.”

A good point, and one which Winning and her JCPL colleagues have pondered aplenty. Still, the Internet is forever, and if the world’s gone wacky for the Web then Jeffco has little choice but to embrace the madness.

“A library’s purpose is to offer equal access to information in whatever form it’s available, and people are getting their information from a variety of different channels,” Winning explains. “We want to meet the people where they are.”

It’s the 21st century, Johannes. Try to get some rest.

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Night Owls

 “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”

 

 

Ben Franklin said that, and smart people agree that history’s most prolific source of aphorisms was a pretty sharp fellow. Thing is, a growing body of research may lead some to suspect that ‘Poor Richard’ didn’t necessarily practice what he preached. Just lately, a bunch of new-fashioned brainiacs are awakening to the possibility that people who fly by night are more apt to be bright.

12 o'clock scholar

12 o’clock scholar

Certified genius, Satoshi Kanazawa

Certified genius, Satoshi Kanazawa

“Some people are night owls, and others are morning larks,” explains deep-thinker Satoshi Kanazawa, a psychologist with the London School of Economics and Political Science writing for Psychology Today. “Compared to their less intelligent counterparts, more intelligent individuals go to bed later on weeknights and weekends.”

So staying up all night watching “F Troop” re-runs makes you smarter?

“People with higher IQs are more apt to be nocturnal night owls, while those with lower IQs tend to restrict their activities primarily to daytime,” clarifies Robert Alison in the Winnipeg Free Press, helpfully. “People who prefer to go to bed early, and who are early-risers, demonstrate ‘morningness,” whereas those whose sleep patterns are shifted later demonstrate ‘eveningness.’ Researchers say ‘eveningness’ tends to be a characteristic of higher IQs.”

Brain food?

Brain food?

Ahhh, so dancing the night away doesn’t make you smart – you routinely close down the nightclub because you’re already smart. Pretty eye-opening stuff, if true, and Kanazawa clearly pulled more than one all-nighter compiling statistics to support his hypothesis, figures which are dutifully detailed on the website PSYBLOG.

“The study examined the sleep habits of 20,745 adolescent Americans,” reports PSYBLOG, “and found that on a weekday the ‘very dull’ went to bed at an average of 11:41 and woke up at 7:20. In contrast, the ‘very bright’ went to bed at 12:29 and got up at 7:52.”

On weekends, again on average, test subjects with IQs below 75 turned in around 12:30 a.m. and got up around 10 a.m., those with “normal” IQs in the 100 range went to bed at 1:30 a.m. and arose at 10:15, and subjects registering IQs above 125 collapsed into the sack at 1:45 a.m. and didn’t slouch out again until after 11 o’clock.

“It’s a sin to go to bed on the same day you get up.” 1920s NYC mayor Jimmy Walker

“It’s a sin to go to bed on the same day you get up.”
1920s NYC mayor Jimmy Walker

Granted, those differences aren’t exactly night-and-day, but they’re sufficient for Kanazawa to hazard some thoughts about why those preferring to carpe noctem might enjoy a cerebral edge over the sunlit day-walker. The way he tells it, humans have since ancient times been conditioned to sleep patterns imposed upon them by the sun. Those of more “inquisitive” mental predisposition, however, rebelled against that mundane cycle and sought to establish their own patterns of wakefulness and repose. It’s that same intellectual orneriness, we are to believe, that keeps Carson Daly in clover night after late, late night.

Carson Daly, Friend to the Sleepless

Carson Daly, Friend to the Sleepless

Lest card-carrying members of the Dawn Patrol feel abused by these revelations, it should be noted that all researches indicate a strong genetic component to individual sleep patterns. It’s also worth mentioning that the eveningness effect is most pronounced among those under 30, and that even the most restive night owl will gradually molt into a morning lark as feathers gray.

Still, if we accept the scientific probability that sitting up in a darkened house presumes cognitive superiority, one can’t help but wonder if worshippers of Artemis possess other traits in greater abundance than is given to Apollo’s flock. According to absolutely everybody, absolutely.

Like night and day

Like night and day

The same rebellious nature keeping them up at night often drives them to great feats of creativity. Hours of solitary contemplation may reveal deep truths not visible in the glare of full sunlight. Their love of the new and the novel can compel them to adventure. In broad statistical terms, night owls tend to be open-minded dreamers, suspicious of authority and ardent. They’re uninhibited self-starters who do their best work when everybody else in is bed.

“What hath night to do with sleep?”  John Milton

“What hath night to do with sleep?”
John Milton

Alas, just as night must follow day, so too does the nocturnal lifestyle have a dark side. A comprehensive study conducted in 2008 concluded that the after-hours set is “less reliable, less emotionally stable, and more prone to depression.” Eveningness has also been persuasively linked to greater risks of heart disease, arterial stiffness and hypertension. And it turns out that a lot of the folks who are up at all hours aren’t spending that time gulping agave shakes and working out at the 24-hour gym. Night owls lean toward eating disorders, obesity, substance abuse and a variety of other addictive behaviors, all of them aggravated by the fact that late-risers typically manage fewer hours of restful, unbroken sleep thanks to the restless ruckus raised by thoughtless early-birds. Thus the day lark’s chirpy activity inevitably degrades the layabed’s mental acuity.

Colorado's State Bird

Colorado’s State Bird

Healthy? It seems clear the midnight-oil class can’t show any particular accomplishment in that field.

Wealthy? “You will find the key to success under the alarm clock,” asserts Mr. Franklin. Of course he would say that. Even so, it’s not improbable that many of those bright and potentially profitable ideas that dawn by the dark of the moon are considerably dimmed in execution by the depreciating affects of persistent sleep deficits and, possibly, gout.

Wise? Unsupported avian stereotypes notwithstanding, “Lack of sleep can affect our interpretation of events,” intones WebMD. “This hurts our ability to make sound judgments because we may not assess situations accurately and act on them wisely.”

Makes you wonder what else ol’ Ben was right about.

“First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I’m a night owl.” Marion Barry

“First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I’m a night owl.”
Marion Barry