An Apostle’s Tale 2.5 – The Offering Keeper

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Djamose’s first actions in land of Sobek were to trip on his own feet and splay headlong into the dirt. His first sensation was of sand in his mouth. His first emotion was surprise, followed hard by confusion. Rolling over, he sat up to face his father.

“Why did you push?” he asked, too stunned to be angry. “I was going!”

Bib-useka stepped forward, helped Djamose to his feet, brushed the dust from his skirt.

“I’m sorry, Djamose. Are you okay?”

“I was going. You didn’t have to push. Why did you push?”

Bib-useka could have told Djamose that his country was not kind to the Children of Bibleb and there was value in being introduced to it with grit in your teeth. He could have said that he pushed him forward else he surely would have pulled him back, marched him home and hoped in vain that he would never have to endure the cruelties and degradations that were his birthright. 

“Because your grandfather pushed me,” he shrugged. “And his father pushed him”

Indeed, the fathers of Bibleb-Akhet had been pushing their sons into Egypt at least since the time of Ahmosis, and quite possibly much longer than that.

“It’s just something we do.”

“Well, it’s stupid,” said Djamose, who understood the authority of tradition well enough, but didn’t understand that one.

“Yeah, it’s pretty stupid. Why don’t we forget it?”

Except that Djamose had already forgotten it. He’d no sooner gathered himself sufficiently to notice the green paradise stretching away to the horizon than he fell victim to a very different kind of shock. The parched desert falling away before him ended abruptly in a wall of graceful palms, the line between sand and sumptuousness so straight and sharp it might have been cut with a butcher’s knife. Lush fields carpeted the land beyond, criss-crossed by shining blue ribbons of cool water. The far distance blazed white, like Ra somehow brought to ground, and although Djamose had never before seen more water in one place than could be held in an earthen jar, he somehow knew he was looking at that impossibly vast accumulation called sy-Sobek. Its scintillating face burned into his mind like real fire, and the wonder of it left him all but speechless.

“It’s…it’s…”

“It’s where we’re going,” said Bib-useka, suddenly all business. “Come on.”

Djamose was lucky he didn’t fall flat on his face again. The path was rocky and rutted, but he never once looked down, his eyes fixed on the marvel of Ty’ Sobek as if he was afraid that if he glanced away it would disappear like a dream. The smell of life was so strong it felt like food in Djamose’s nostrils. The air felt as cool as dawn, as thick as wet clay, as soft as old linen. His head was a storm of thoughts and questions and urgent observations, but none substantial enough to emerge through his mouth.

acaciaFather and son walked in silence toward Sobek’s verdant fence, and in short order arrived at what Djamose initially took for a very strange house. It stood on a low stony prominence to the right of the road, a sharply angled mud-brick pyramid perhaps 10 feet high with a dusty portico jutting out toward the road. The entire structure was covered in white plaster, mottled by a dozen patch jobs of varying age and sparingly painted with faded botanical motifs. That it looked nothing like any house Djamose had ever seen didn’t affect his judgment, since it didn’t look like anything else he’d ever seen, either. To the left of the trail directly opposite the pyramid hunched a tired and especially thirsty-looking acacia tree. A tattered blanket thrown over its branches did little to augment the meager shade beneath its thin canopy, and under that poor shelter reclined the first Child of Sobek that Djamose had ever seen.

“Good morning, Ba-baht!” his father called out, with a wave. “Sobek’s blessings upon you!”

The figure weakly raised one arm and as quickly let it fall.

“Doing any business today?” asked Bib-useka, cheerfully.

“I’m not getting rich, Bibi,” the man replied, without rising. He was thin and dry brown and seemed to be built of brushwood and rotten leather. His voice was reedy and high and, Djamose thought, unpleasant to the ear. Still, since only his mother and maybe two or three of his father’s closest friends would presume to address his father by the rather familiar diminutive “Bibi”, and then only rarely and only in private, Djamose was pleased to conclude that Ba-baht was either a very dear friend of his family, or a man of great position in Hawat-ha, and probably both.

“Old Weepy’s a tight one,” Ba-baht went on, “and getting saddled with a load of wet dirt didn’t exactly loosen him up. That Ptahbesu is a real bastard,” he chuckled.

“Yeah, the donkey didn’t look too happy either,” Bib-useka nodded. “Ba-baht, may I introduce you to my son, Djamose? This is his first trip to Hawat-ha and he’s very excited.”

Ba-baht yawned and stretched out his arms, crackling audibly and exposing the one tooth left in his mouth. It was a sorry yellow specimen sticking straight-up and dead-center from his lower jaw.

“Is he now?” grinned Ba-baht. “That’s a shame.”

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Rats come in all sizes, you know

Returning home to a violent and bloody scene late on the evening of June 20, a young Alabraska Lane woman’s frantic summons brought deputies a-runnin’. After certifying the house un-lurked, officers heard the following account. With her parents out of town, the restless teen had invited her boyfriend over to “hang out” and, while he tinkered with his jeep in the driveway, she buzzed off to a local grocery where she met a pair of old high school chums who were also eager to “hang out.” Together, the carefree foursome “hanged out” at her house until about 10 p.m. when the boyfriend went home in compliance with a court-ordered curfew and the daughter of the house drove her classmates back to the market. Back home, she was alarmed to discover the taillights of her boyfriend’s jeep alight and a big smash-mark in the garage door where the vehicle had apparently rammed head-long into it. Her apprehension deepened when, scoping the premises, she found a shattered framed photograph on her bedroom floor and – horrors! – one of her two cherished pet rats “ripped in half.” Competent and perceptive deputies soon apprehended perfectly rational explanations for all the carnage. As a deputy poked around the garage, the jeep’s starter motor began cranking, moving the vehicle forward of its own accord. From this the officer deduced that the boyfriend’s inexpert disassembly of the steering column left a recurring ignition short that obviated the need for key or driver. As to the broken picture, the boyfriend admitted to officers over the phone that he’d accidentally knocked it to the floor and shattered it, but thoughtfully chose not to trouble his sweetie about it. And the bisected rodent? Big surprise – the boyfriend again. Contrary to his girlfriend’s strict instructions that the pair remain forever estranged, he’d put them in a cage together where one, perhaps disgusted by the other’s revolting sanitary habits, messily partitioned its cellmate. Confronted by the evidence, the girl seemed both relieved and a wee bit rat_2sheepish. “I guess no one broke in, huh?” she said.

We Hardly Knew Ye’

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Smell you later

Even as the loathsome stinkweed plant waxes in late summer and launches its noxious spores to the protesting winds, so Evergreen Newspapers must bid aloha o’e to a pair of its most valued nuts, releasing them to corrupt new fields of endeavor.

Bonnie Benjamin-Skopinski and Nancy Hull, their names forever enshrined within the hearts and minds of some theoretical people within whose hearts and minds their names are enshrined within, will shortly take leave of their prestigious reporting posts to follow the capricious dictates of overweening ambition.

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Among the savages

Pursued by plausibly deniable allegations stemming from her literal application of the “bedside manner” concept among the prudish Hopi of northern New Mexico, Bon Jovi ‘Bonnie’ Benjamin-Skopinski fled her former nursing career to become the Canyon Courier’s premier local gumshoe and crazy-junk-guy-writer-abouter. Often chided by co-workers as “Beantown Bonnie” because of her Philadelphian roots, B-S’s incomprehensible Up-East enunciations and scything judgments upon the iniquitous quickly established her as an aromatic Boston Harbor breeze of integrity and niceness blowing across the fetid lime-pit that is Evergreen.

Ask her, and Bonnie will say her proudest achievement was a riveting Outdoors story detailing the surprisingly nihilistic worldview of marmots, a well-punctuated piece in which her gutsy use of the word “booger” earned an unprecedented fifth Writing Excellence and News award – the coveted Weanie.

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A brighter vision

Bonnie’s greatest contribution to the Canyon Courier’s journalistic canon – or at least the one that will be mentioned here – was her damn-the-torpedoes expose of Colorado fly fishing. While all who read the article agree that its raw language and brutal narrative style brought the sport’s terror and exhilaration home to even the most unimaginative reader, few realize that Bonnie salted the trout she caught that day, smoked them in her toaster oven and – at her own expense – mailed them to Peru where they helped feed Shining Path communist insurgents.

That dedication to Marxist principle is ultimately what prompted Bonnie-Bon Jovi to abandon her literary situation and resume the health professional’s white uniform and callous demeanor. Upon completing a medical refresher course and several weeks of re-indoctrination at a guerilla camp deep in the Honduran jungle, Benjamin-Skopinski will make her way to Cuba and bend her healing powers to the rehabilitation of that troubled island’s ailing despot.

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Sick in love

“We hahd a thing a few years bahk when Ah was giving aid and comfort to the Sahndahnistah’s in Nicahraguah,” BBJBS explains. “Ah figure Ah owe Fifi that much, aht least.”

Yet even in that benighted land, Senora Bonita will contribute to the reading world’s intellectual advancement as Aunt Bunny, wiring her acclaimed recipe column from “Los Capitalista Estubido,” a cyberbar in Havana’s colorful port district. Her submissions are expected to arrive dripping with acidic commentary and morally corrosive computer viruses.

The gaping lesion that Bonnie’s absence will leave suppurating upon the ashen skin of the Canyon Courier newsroom will be mirrored at the Columbine Courier office, in that murky corner for so long brightened by the relentless optimism and loud computer-Solitaire games of Nancy Hepzubah Hull.

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Wichita Ag College

Graduating with a degree in pre-industrial robotics from Wichita Agricultural College, Nancy – or Nan, as she insists that everyone call her – came to Colorado about four years ago in search of a slumbersome backwater where she could escape the frenetic activity and soul-destroying progressiveness of her home state, Kansas. By virtue of her great talent, even temperament and a Polaroid she got somewhere of editor Ken Eiseman during an unguarded moment with a goat, Nan landed Evergreen Newspaper’s coveted education-reporter slot. Gifted with a Kansananian’s native opportunism, Nan supplemented her generous LCNI wage by using her access to Jeffco schools to build a thriving trade in methamphetamines and unregistered handguns.

Among journalists working at weekly newspapers on Coal Mine Avenue, Hull is most famed for her willingness to suffer for a story. To breathe life into her magnum opus – a gritty depiction of bird watching’s seamy underbelly – Nan spent nearly a year living as an ivory-billed woodpecker – eating bugs and beetles, sleeping with her head under her arm and defecating on copies of the Golden Transcript spread on her kitchen floor.

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Method writing

“To write about the bird, I had to get inside its feathers, you might say,” she explains, sitting at her soon-to-be-vacant desk and slathering her arms with finch-mite cream. “It’s called method-writing.”

With the introduction of drug-sniffing dogs to Jeffco schools, Hull has decided to return to Wichita and accept a public relations position. Coincidentally, she’ll be working for prominent Wichita banker Festus T. Millet, the 71-year-old business associate of her father’s to whom she was promised on her third birthday, a common practice in the Sunflower State.

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Meet the Mister

Nan’s absence will be keenly felt in other quarters, as well. Learning of Hull’s planned departure, Foothills Parks and Recreation District Executive Director Bob Easton actually rose from his wheelchair and, overcome by strong emotion, danced a halting jig of despair.

Doug Bell, the recently-crowned Shirley Temple of Evergreen media’s Good Ship Lollipop, says he supports employees’ efforts at self-improvement and celebrates Benjamin-Skopinski’s and Hull’s rosy prospects. Despite his legendary empathy, however, Bell feels that minor fine-tuning of editorial policies will ensure a seamless transition and help Evergreen Newspapers maintain the high standards for which its known in the industry.

“Resignations are no longer being accepted,” says the unrepentant Welshman, blinking the mist from his eyes and reaching for a Kleenex-brand facial tissue. Bell wears his natural empathy like a spiky leather collar. “If you work here, get used to it. You’re not going anywhere unless you leave in a box.”

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Readership is up 63%

Still, the news is a harsh mistress and Bell is already processing the paperwork for Bunny’s and Nan’s replacements, a pair of hard-working primates from Zaire’s Mbutu-Kinshazi Chimpanzee Sanctuary.

 To comment on this story, visit www.hotgurls/hothot.com or call 1-800-BOTTTOM.

 

Hey, you, get offa’ my bike

EVERGREEN – A young pedestrian strode into JCSO’s mountain substation bright and early on June 22 to report the theft of his bicycle and point the finger at the possible thief. He said he’d purchased the economical conveyance last Christmas but hadn’t gotten around to riding it until quite recently – just in time, it seems, for somebody to snatch it from his porch. Fortuitously, during his hike down to the cop-shop he’d spied a male person wearing a baseball cap and dark-colored hoodie pedaling west along Buffalo Park Road atop what appeared to be his missing velocipede. Confronting the rider, he asked if the man “wanted to confess something.” The man didn’t, of course, but did “appear nervous” while explaining that he’d received the brand-new bicycle as a gift “a couple years ago.” Lacking concrete proof of the cyclist’s guilt, the complainant could do little but watch him ride away and hope that sheriff’s deputies could collar the crook based on his description of the stolen vehicle and its presumed stealer. Alas, until more evidence comes to light, investigators are just spinning their wheels.

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Getting Real

who_are_you_album_coverjpgFacebook can present a somewhat one-dimensional picture of its habitues.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take me, for example. Anyone who knows me three-dimensionally will tell you I’m kind, sweet, trusty, diligent, generous, capable, discerning, vivacious, saintly and modest. Sadly, folks who know me only through my occasional Facebook contributions might do me the unwitting injustice of believing me merely heroic. The fact that I don’t take it personally attests to another of my rare qualities, that of clemency.

Did I not mention I’m clement?

Oh, I’m totally clement.

I’m clement because I discern that the reason such a criminally narrow portrait of all that is I could emerge in the first place lies in Human Nature.  I have observed that, over time, most regular posters tend to slide into comfortable themes. Because I have lots of pictures of myself behaving heroically, that’s what I post. Because my frequent acts of saintliness don’t really photograph well, that aspect of my character tends to go unremarked. It’s the same with my Facebook friends.

Often it’s simply an interest – more than one person on my roll appears to spend the bulk of their time online sending me links to bands I’ve never heard of singing songs I don’t like in videos that give me a nervous bowel. Sometimes it’s a hobby, such as Astrology, by which art one regular friend recently divined that I can expect news, that topaz will help me control my lust, and that I should try to be more open to copper.

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Yes, the metal.

 

 

Then there are those unimaginative sorts whose principle Facebook involvement is robotically passing along every witty remark, lurid brief, colorful picture and inspirational platitude that pops up on their wall. Not that I’m complaining, necessarily. Sometimes those trite posts really are funny, or fascinating, or pretty, or even encouraging. But distributing somebody else’s day-old tapioca is hardly revealing of oneself, and knowing that a person enjoys cartoons of animals doing people-things tells me nothing about their willingness to float me a Grover Cleveland on a handshake.

 

If the term “friend” was to have any meaning at all, I knew I must tear down the wall and meet the people behind the pap. I accomplished this easily (see “capable” above) by visiting the personal pages of those whose posts I admire – a privilege routinely granted between Facebook friends – and snooping around until my curiosity was satisfied.

In the name of research.

Linda Kirkpatrick publishes the online Evergreen news organ “Just Around Here”, and has been known to post links, tips and tidbits of interest or utility to the scribbling classes. One less diligent than myself might interpret Linda’s fixation on the written word as symptomatic of a bookish and retiring disposition. I am happy to report that such is not the case. There, on her home page, is the glowing blue assurance that she earned her sheepskin at Katharine Gibbs College in Boston, Mass. Now, I don’t know Katharine Gibbs from Andy Gibb, but I do know that Beantown is lousy with persons of Irish extraction, and the wise will appreciate that four years in that peaty melting pot must necessarily have rendered Kirkpatrick drunken, maudlin, truculent, bone-idle, sporatically violent, and prone to spontaneous jigging whenever the English pound dips against the “nicker.”

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See? She’s more fun already.

 

 

Joe Watt doesn’t post often, but when he does it’s usually a picture of Joe Watt. The uncritical friend might suspect that Joe Watt is either building a modeling portfolio or simply entertains a healthy regard for Joe Watt. Both may be true, but that’s only part of the picture. Truth is, Joe Watt’s page is full of things Joe Watt likes that aren’t Joe Watt. He likes the Beatles, whose music is pleasing to Joe Watt. He likes Yarn West, a business owned by Joe Watt’s wife, Laura, and producing monies that can be spent on Joe Watt. And Joe Watt likes the Alliance for Kids, possibly because the Alliance Against Kids registration line kept Joe Watt on hold for nearly a minute, and Joe Watt doesn’t stand in line for anybody.

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Even Joe Watt.

 

 

 

 

Thus we see that drawing conclusions based solely on the content of a person’s Facebook posts does a disservice to both poster and postee. The lazy surfer might dismiss Kirkpatrick as a bespectacled tome-totaler, but that would be to ignore her dangerous Gaelic idiosyncrasies. And only the indifferent friend would peg Joe Watt as nothing more than a shameless camera hound without taking a moment to explore his many outside (if tangentially related) interests.

So take a moment. Dig a little deeper. You may find that the person you’ve written off as a shallow Johnny One-Note is really a rich symphony of layers, textures and disturbing eccentricities. And the heroic cyber-chum you’ve been marveling over these many months may embody sublime virtues not evident at in their posts.

Modesty prevents me.

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