Caveat Venditor

It’s nice to know that selling stuff online doesn’t have to be detached and impersonal. On June 29, a Conifer cyber-entrepreneur called JCSO dispatch with details of a fairly warm exchange he’d shared after listing an automobile on Craig’s List. When a certain interested party saw the posting and phoned for details, the would-be salesman explained that he’d purchased the car a mere two weeks earlier for the specific purpose of driving it to SoCal and back and, its mission accomplished, he’d put the item back on the block. Rather than praise the seller for his industry and candor, the caller angrily accused him of illegal trade practices and negotiations broke down abruptly. Shortly after, a man who sounded an awful lot like the dissatisfied prospect left him a voice mail saying “you must be the little (bad person) that’s selling the car,” and promising to drop by one day soon to test-drive his kiester with a hob-nailed boot. When pressed by deputies for more information, the complainant allowed that he might have used caller-ID to make a counter-offer including strong misgivings about the fellow’s manhood and possibly describing him as a “piece of (biological waste).” Either way, he wanted the transaction documented in case the man tries to close the deal.

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An Apostle’s Tale 2.6 – Opening of the Ears

pyramidtours1Djamose wasn’t sure what to make of Ba-baht’s comment, but managed to convince himself it meant something good. Bib-useka removed a small, lidded fish-grass basket from his sack and bowed low to Ba-baht, confirming for Djamose’s his opinion of the man’s importance.

“What’s your business in town today?” asked Ba-baht, not appearing to care.

“Do you remember that canal we re-lined last Bastet? With any luck today’s pay-day.”

“The only thing Geb-shu-ef hates worse than spending a deben is spending it on a dung-eater,” Ba-baht grunted.

Bib-useka looked sideways at Djamose to see if he’d caught the insulting reference, but the boy didn’t look particularly offended. In fact the boy had caught it, but it was the first time he’d heard the term and he simply couldn’t imagine it had anything to do with him. Bib-useka bowed to Ba-baht again.

“If it’s okay with you, I’ll leave Djamose here for a minute and let you two get acquainted.”

“You leave him right here with me,” Ba-baht crooned. “This is my big chance to get in good with the next High Priest of Bibleb!”

Djamose didn’t get the joke and was almost alarmed when Ba-Baht started cackling like a chicken laying an ostrich egg. Bib-useka flashed a smile that looked more like pain and excused himself, retreating across the path to the pyramid. Djamose waited several moments while Ba-baht finished appreciating his own wit.

“That’s quite a name you have, Djamose,” observed Ba-baht, sinking back onto his side, exhausted by his cleverness. “”The Storm Gave Birth to Him.’ I’ll bet you’re quite the troublemaker.”

“I am not!” cried Djamose, surprised and displeased. “I’m the first-born son of Bib-useka and the strong right arm of Bibleb.”

“Easy there, boy, I’m just making conversation.”

The boy wasn’t entirely mollified, but decided to give the peculiar stranger the benefit of the doubt. A bowl, a jar and a fresh loaf rested on the papyrus mat next to Ba-baht. A blanket was thrown over his legs and a broken, but serviceable, wooden headrest sat within easy reach.

“Do you live here?” the boy asked.

“Nope,” said Ba-baht. “I just work here.”

“Did you build the house?” asked Djamose.

“That would be a trick, seeing as how I got my hooves from Set himself.”

Ba-baht pulled the blanket away from his legs to reveal two withered vines, shriveled and twisted and shorter even than Djamose’s.

“You could say I’m not really suited to the building trades.”

It was an uncomfortable sight, but Djamose was enjoying his interrogation of Ba-baht and instantly steered the conversation back along a more pleasant avenue.

“Who lives there?”

“Nobody lives there. It’s a shrine.”

“To Bibleb?”

“No, not to Bibleb!” barked Ba-baht. “To Sobek.”

“Are you a priest of Sobek?”

“Hardly. I like to think of myself as Sobek’s ambassador to Bibleb-Akhet.”

It was clearly a favorite joke and he started laughing again, so hard that he appeared to be in real danger of choking. Djamose used the interruption to check on his father’s whereabouts. Bib-useka knelt under the shrine’s porch in a familiar posture of supplication, which seemed to Djamose strange and a little troubling. Gathering himself, Ba-baht continued.

offeringSobek“When your dad or anybody else from Bibleb-Akhet comes to Ta’ Sobek, they have to stop here and make an offering. I keep the offering.”

“So your job is to collect the offerings?”

“No, that’s more like my pay. My job is to keep track of who’s offering what and let everybody in Hawat-ha know if somebody isn’t giving their share.”

“Sobek lets you to keep the gifts from his altar?” asked, Djamose, aghast.

“I think Sobek would be insulted if I didn’t,” Ba-baht said. “The trash you people leave isn’t fit for a great god of Egypt. It’s barely enough to keep me alive, and I don’t live much better than a dung-eater.”

Djamose fleetingly wondered who the poor dung-eaters were and how they’d come to be so disfavored by the gods and Ba-baht, then returned to the perplexing topic at hand. He had received that morning a new perspective on the proper commerce between gods and men, and while he could accept that one might in all piety eat bread upon which a god has already fed, he didn’t believe for a moment that any god would sit still for the wholesale looting of his treasury.

“You’re not a priest of Sobek, but you take all of his offerings?”

“From here, I do. I sell them in town for whatever I can get, which isn’t much.”

“And you don’t think he minds?”

“I know he doesn’t.”

Djamose’s next question asked itself.

“Then why does anybody bother to leave offerings here?”

If Ba-baht could have stood, he would have. Instead, he pushed himself up to a seated position and straightened his crooked back until it felt like somebody was driving a hot knife into his spine.

“Because they’re not offerings to Sobek, you young idiot. They’re the price of admission. If you filthy dung-eaters want to do business with honest Egyptians you have to pay for the privilege. You stink of foreign spirits, and you should be grateful we Shai-nefer-Sobek let you clean our latrines.”

This time there was no escaping the indelicately direct allusion. He means me, thought Djamose, with a jolt. He thinks I’m a dung-eater. He thinks the Children of Bibleb are dung-eaters. It seemed impossible that such an idea could exist in the world.

“Look, Djamose,” continued Ba-baht, more gently. Ba-baht wasn’t a good man, but he wasn’t exactly a bad one, either, and as a cripple he understood what it meant to dwell outside the margins. “Your dad’s a nice guy, and you seem like a nice kid. I don’t have anything against you personally, or against anybody in Bibleb-Akhet. But you’re about to find out that I’m the closest thing to a friend you’re going to find in Ta’ Sobek. That’s just how it is.”

For Djamose, his grand adventure was starting to feel like a most uncertain enterprise. He was very keen to take leave of the misshapen liar, proceed into Hawat-ha and disprove everything he’d just heard.

“My father isn’t a dung-eater, and neither am I,” he declared with all the dignity and force he could marshal. “And the People of Bibleb don’t steal from his house and sell his things. If you were smart you’d build a shrine to Bibleb right next to that one and ask for his blessings. Then you’d see who is the greatest god.”

Ba-baht smiled indulgently. Djamose found it deflating.

“I’m sorry, boy, but there’s just no profit in Bibleb. There’s no market for him in Kemet, you see. And there never will be.”

Bib-useka hustled up just then. Hearing his son’s outburst, he’d rushed over hoping to stifle Djamose before he offended a man who could make no end of expensive trouble for Bibleb-Akhet if he felt like it. He was relieved to find Ba-baht in an agreeable mood and Djamose tractable.

“I was just telling Djamose about my little kingdom here, and how much I like doing business with the good folks of Bibleb-Akhet.”

“I thank you for that kindness, Ba-baht.”

“Well I thank you for that kindness, Bibi. And now, if you’ll pardon me, all this talk has tired me out.”

Bib-useka bowed low.

“Sobek’s blessings upon you, Ba-baht. And what do you say, Djamose?”

Djamose wanted to say that Ba-baht was a crazy, broken devil and he would hate until death.

“Blessings upon you, Ba-baht. Your shrine is nice.”

Ba-baht eased back on his mat and closed his eyes. Bib-useka took his son by the hand and the two began walking. A few moments later, and with all the suddenness of walking through a door, Djamose stepped out of the barren and bankrupt desolation of Bibleb and into the rich green plenty of Sobek.

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Sins of the Fodder

Speaking of mountain warfare, a long-suffering woman walked into JCSO’s mountain substation on June 23 to see a (police) man about a horse. Her unhappy tale began three years ago, when an otherwise inoffensive female moved in across the street from her Upper Bear Creek home and immediately suggested the complainant sell her a portion of her property. Though an essential social lubricant, neighborliness can be pressed too far and she refused to give ground, which in no way discouraged the new gal on the block from taking improper liberties with the complainant’s hay field. Shortly after moving in, the neighbor held a house party and had her guests park their cars on that lush acreage, and on numerous occasions her son and his dogs have been observed romping destructively through the hay. On each occasion, the complainant called the neighbor to explain that the meadow is neither a parking lot nor playground, but a functioning hay field that’s more easily harvested when not stomped flat. The last straw came on June 19, when she learned that the woman’s horses were contentedly munching on her ripening silage. “I ran out of hay up above and brought them down,” said the neighbor, by way of explanation. The complainant asked her to remove the beasts from her field and, the next day, posted “No Trespassing” signs around the crop. Not long after, the presumptuous horsewoman left a baleful message on her answering machine, which she played for the deputies. “Thank you for the signs you put on your fence, they’re really attractive. I’m going to call the county and report all of the diseased trees and voles in your yard. I love the elk coming through, leaving excrement in the yard. The war is on.” While the complainant said she didn’t want to “make trouble” for her neighbor, she didn’t want to let her threats go undocumented, either.

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Thinking Machines

Time-traveler Kyle Reese hunches in the driver’s seat next to Sarah Connor. She’s confused, panicky, and cute as a button. Reese’s dirty-blond hair is stylishly mussed, his artfully scarred face sweaty, and streaked with grime just-so.

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“Defense network computers,” rasps Reese. “New… powerful… hooked into everything and trusted to run it all.”

Sounds serious. And it’s surely something Connor should find interesting, what with Arnold Schwarzenegger dogging her like the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse. Even so, she seems to have trouble focusing.

“They say it got smart,” continues Reese, slamming another shell into the 12-gauge shotgun on his lap. “A new order of intelligence…Decided our fate in a microsecond. Extermination.”

schwarzThe Terminator is an awesome movie because, even way back in the technological Dark Age of 1984, it wasn’t hard to believe that one day soon there’d be robots walking among us, sophisticated machines doing what they do without so much as a by-your-leave from feckless and fragile Homo sapiens sapiens. And it’s only easier to believe now, in this more refined era of talking phones and Google drones and wristwatches that can guess what you might want for lunch, maybe. But it’s a long walk from GPS-guided lawn mowers to metal-punk kill-bots from the future, and, at the moment, everything fashioned by the hand of Man must also be guided by it. The goal of self-directed machines remains elusive, and will remain so until scientists working in the field of artificial intelligence (AI) solve a couple of particularly prickly problems.

planktonA truly “thinking” machine must, at bare minimum, be capable of doing two things that people, puppies and plankton do without thinking. First, a genuinely autonomous device must be able to process vast amounts of information instantaneously to produce a minutely accurate real-time understanding of its environment. Although the vast and constantly expanding universe of Internet databases and increasingly agile optics may allow a machine to feast on all the same information that its creator can, and probably more, the breakdown occurs in digestion. Current computer architecture manages information in a rigid series of logical steps. It’s an orderly and reliable process that can tot up a spreadsheet in the blink of an eye, but that quickly becomes overwhelmed by the flood of data presented by sensory input like vision. Sure, your PC can handle it, it just can’t handle it fast enough to permit practical autonomy. And yet…

google-deepmind-artificial-intelligence brain

 

Last year, scientists working at separate laboratories across the country simultaneously unveiled their own versions of the “neurochip,” a microprocessor that mimics the inner workings of the human bean. To understand how, consider that your brain contains something like 100 billion cells connected by 100 trillion synapses. 

Rather than passing every impulse Bender_Rodriguezalong in restricted linear fashion, each neuron in your brain communicates directly with thousands of others, allowing the parallel processing of almost unlimited input. At present, IBM’s neurochip prototype, “TrueNorth”, contains 5.4 billion transistors and 256 million electronic “synapses” that together can process information far faster and more fluently than your one-thing-at-a-time Pentium can. And while that’s a baby step toward achieving even plankton’s mental acuity, it’s a giant leap toward creating an electronic “brain”, and IBM is already exploring ways to connect individual neurochips together into the kind of faux-neural network that could one day drive, say, a Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 cybernetic infiltration unit on a hyper-alloy combat chassis.

robbyThe second basic skill an “intelligent” device must master is doing things without being told exactly when and how to do them. No matter how smart the car, phone, or drone, it simply cannot do anything it’s not told to do. Our theoretical autonomous robot can adapt to an ever-changing and unpredictable environment. To do so, it must instantly identify and assess a potentially huge number of possible variables, arrive at a wholly independent “decision” based on nothing more than its own self-processed input, and originate action in the absence of situation-specific programming. For the armies of roboticists working the puzzle, the goal is to create an appliance that, given a clearly-defined “mission,” will figure out how to achieve that end all by itself. Needless to say they’re not there yet, but they recently came a little closer with the development of new software and sensory apparatus that help machines become not only more aware of their surroundings, but able to perform rudimentary tasks cooperatively.

Armed with those new technologies, scientists recently turned loose about 1,000 robots, each about the size of your thumbnail. On command, the devices assorted themselves into squares, letters and sundry other shapes with no help from their keepers.

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You’re thinking, “A bunch of wind-up toys made an ‘X’ – what’s on TV tonight?”

Actually, each of a thousand self-directing machines was ordered to create something that it couldn’t possibly make by itself. Each one kept a clear picture of the objective in its tiny electronic noggin while maintaining a constant awareness of its precise position relative to all 999 of its shifting, shuffling mates. Each robot independently adjusted its location within the evolving scheme until the mission was accomplished. And they did it all by themselves.

jetsonsTogether, those AI breakthroughs are beginning to satisfy the requirements for robotic independence. The evolution of neurochips may one day make it possible for machines to process information with organic efficiency, and cooperative software improvements will likely confer the environmental awareness they’ll need to navigate complex real-world situations. Granted, making a scraggly triangle isn’t in the same league with systematically annihilating the human race, but warts of the worrying kind are quick to assure that some form of brutal “Skynet” is inevitable if we persist in trying to build a better autopilot.

Leaving questions of potential AI self-awareness and spirituality to philosophers and theologians, should we be concerned by the prospect of intelligent machines? Done right, they’d be both smarter than us, stronger than us, and if we don’t get along for some reason things could get awkward in a hurry.

nomadAsk the folks who spend their weekdays messing around with AI and they’ll assure you that thinking robots will be pussycats because they don’t think anything like we do. Their electronic minds won’t be subject to deadly sins like greed and envy, pride and wrath – all those base impulses that make humans so dangerous to be around. Ask Oxford University philosophy professor Nick Bostrom, on the other hand, and he’ll say it’s precisely because they won’t be carrying any human emotional baggage that smart-bots might easily slip their leashes and chew our collective slippers into oblivion. They’re just too darned task-oriented.

Even smart machines, Bostrom asserts, would be programmed to execute specific, exclusive and imperative tasks, such as calculating the precise amount of tea in China, or making widgets. While an appliance imbued with reason wouldn’t be angling to corner the market on Oolong, or give a fig what happens to all the widgets it produces, it must necessarily care a great deal about sustaining its ability to perform its particular function. Keeping track of the world’s supply of Orange Pekoe, for example, would demand unfettered access to mountains of relevant source data. Manufacturing widgets would require a secure supply of whatever physical resources widgets are made out of. And neither function would be possible without an uninterrupted flow of electrical power.

chinaTea“An agent with such a final goal would have a convergent instrumental reason to acquire an unlimited amount of physical resources and, if possible, to eliminate potential threats to itself and its goal system,” explains Bostrom, in his down-home, folksy, Oxford way. “We cannot blithely assume that a super-intelligence would limit its activities in such a way as to not infringe on human interests. The first super-intelligence could easily have non-anthropomorphic final goals, and would likely have an instrumental reason to pursue open-ended resource acquisition.

a-il_series_cylon_lucifer_in_battlestar_galactica_1978-810272“If we now reflect that human beings consist of useful resources (such as conveniently located atoms) and that we depend for our survival on many more local resources, we can see that the outcome could easily be one in which humanity quickly becomes extinct.”

A grim prognosis, and certainly one open to debate. But we can’t say we haven’t been warned.

“Listen and understand,” pleads Reese, struggling against two beefy orderlies. “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop – ever! – until you are dead.”

Awesome movie.

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World’s Worst Spectator Sport

On the evening of June 21, an exasperated fellow called JCSO hoping to file a harassment complaint against a bothersome neighbor. According to his complaint, he and a nearby homeowner had maintained an uneasy DEFCON 3 for some time, but he felt he’d been pushed to battle-stations earlier that day when he began mowing his lawn and his noisome nemesis strolled over to watch the entire process at close range. Just as he finished the chore, the neighbor muttered something about his yard presenting a “wildfire hazard” in a tone that the target perceived as “derogatory”. Given that the complainant never actually ordered the man off of his property, the pesky neighbor’s unhelpful behavior was more irritating than illegal, and the responding deputy judged a harassment charge unwarranted. The cold war continues.

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