My Dinner with Angry

angryDinerEVERGREEN – At about dinner time on Nov. 8, a deputy rushed to the Main Street bistro to remove an obnoxious presence in the dining room. Although the pernicious patron fled just before the officer arrived, a woman on the scene gave the following account. A middle-aged fellow in a sleeveless orange T-shirt had come into the restaurant and started going from table to table advising hapless customers to “(funk) off” and inviting them to tuck his flapping shirt-waist into his pants for him. After working up an appetite in this way, he loudly commanded the owner to serve him the “best steak in town” or he’d “own your restaurant.” Asked to leave, he got into a blue Ford pickup and roared away down the canyon to the Black Hat Cattle Co. in Kittredge, where he went inside and announced that he was “Jesus.” Then he headed for the little savior’s room, which is where the deputy finally caught up with him. “I ain’t (funking) talking to authority,” the man declared. “I have a problem with authority.” Due to his “problem with authority,” the officer had to handcuff the belligerent fellow before escorting him to the parking lot, where he admitted making a bit of a stir around town, but promised he’d be on his best behavior from now on. Satisfied with his contrition, the officer let him go and closed the case…

 

Bird’s the Word

turkey1I wish the bald eagle had not been chosen as the representative of our country; he is a bird of bad moral character; like those among men who live by sharking and robbing, he is generally poor, and often very lousy. The turkey is much more respectable.

Benjamin Franklin

 

Consider the humble turkey, the most delicious and least appreciated creature that ever graced a platter.

Each Thanksgiving, thanks-giving Americans roast, deep-fry, smoke and scarf a whopping 45 million gobblers weighing in at a staggering 525 million pounds of succulent pass-the-gravy. Statistics detailing what percentage of that great mountain of poultry disappears on the last Thursday in November, as opposed to how much of it assumes a second career in turkey sandwiches, turkey casseroles, turkey enchiladas and open-faced turkey surprise with micro-waved cranberry chow-chow, are unavailable. But if the noble turkey plays a starring role in countless holiday suppers, for the rest of the year it’s mostly an un-credited extra – the mystery meat in your heart-smart hotdog, or the oversized, novelty hand-food at the local fair. That’s a sorry lot for North America’s largest indigenous fowl, the one Ben Franklin his esteemed self dubbed the “Bird of Courage” and young Tad Lincoln kept as a pet in the White House.

Fact is, turkeys have been strutting around the New World for the last 10 million years, at least, and were long a mainstay of Native American diets from Pasadena to Pensacola. Recognizing a tasty and tractable entrée when they saw it, early Spanish explorers shipped specimens back home, and domesticated varieties soon graced tables across Europe. In one of those delectable ironies in which history abounds, later colonial immigrants, ignorant of the turkey’s origins and hoping to ensure a steady supply of groceries in the wilderness, hauled flocks of tame gobblers back across the Great Water, only to be met by a feathered welcome wagon numbering in the tens of millions. And it is that original turkey, the alpha bird, Adam to a race of self-timing Butterballs, to which we pay homage today.

Nature's malcontent

Once teeming across forest, prairie and desert, by the early 1900s the wild turkey had been hunted nearly to extinction, falling to perhaps less than 30,000 specimens. In 1937, Congress passed the Federal Aid in Wildlife Restoration Act, assessing taxes on firearms, ammunition and other hunting equipment, which funds were instrumental in bringing Franklin’s virtuous bird back from the brink. Government efforts were amply supplemented by civilian conservation organizations, most notably the National Wild Turkey Federation (NWTF). Founded in Virginia about 40 years ago, the nation’s premier club dedicated to the protection and proliferation of the wild turkey now boasts a half-million members from sea to shining sea.

These days, wild turkeys number nearly 8 million covering every one of the contiguous 48 states, plus smaller portions of Canada and Mexico. Of those, more than 5 million are of the prolific Eastern variety, which can be found scratching and pecking from the Atlantic to the mighty Mississippi and from the Great Lakes to the Gulf. Rugged conditions in the American West, however, call for a smarter, scrappier, more independent-minded bird. In these parts, the regal Merriam’s is the turkey to watch.

turkey-2Something like 25,000 free-range turkeys now list a Colorado address, most of them Merriam’s, although a community of transplanted Rio Grandes call the South Platte home and a few Gould’s have somehow mistaken Pueblo for the northern mountains of Mexico. In these parts, several thriving clans of Merriam’s make the Foothills a happy hunting ground for folks seeking a more authentic Thanksgiving experience. There’s a reason it’s called “Turkey Creek”, after all.

Wild turkeys are represented locally by two NWTF subsidiary flocks. The Mount Evans Merriam’s chapter numbers more than 250 avid members operating in western Jefferson County and parts of Clear Creek and Park counties. Lower down, the 400-strong Front Range chapter can boast more than 400 members and the distinction of being the oldest NWTF off-shoot west of the Mississippi. The Front Range group’s brief encompasses a broad swath running along both sides of the Hogback from Longmont to Castle Rock.

Like many wildlife organizations, the National Wild Turkey Federation contains a heavy concentration of hunters. And like many organizations comprised largely of hunters, the majority of the NWTF’s activities have nothing at all to do with hunting.

“We’re first and foremost about conservation,” explains a source deep inside the Mount Evans Merriam’s. “Most of what we do is create and restore turkey habitat. And what’s good for the turkeys is good for every other animal in the forest, so by maintaining good turkey habitat, the whole forest is healthier.”

A favorable climate

But if the hills are alive with wild turkeys, how come you rarely see them? Chances are, it’s because they saw you first. Meleagris gallopavo merriami’s eyesight is about 10 times keener than your own, and it doesn’t invite familiarity. Indeed, far from the slow-witted creature of popular imagination, the wild turkey is a canny customer. Able to fly short distances at speeds up to 55mph, a typical Merriam’s spends its days feeding among thick, concealing brush, then retires for the night in the branches of a handy cottonwood or ponderosa pine, safely out of harm’s way. And except for their signature “drumming” during the spring mating season, wild turkeys aren’t given to calling attention to themselves.

For you, however, sitting there in front of a steaming plate of butter-soaked stuffing and marshmallow-slathered yams, the operative question is “are wild turkeys good to eat?” The answer is “yum.”

Although among the smaller breeds of wild turkey, the adult Merriam’s averages a respectable 15 to 20 pounds – easily competitive with your grocery-store Tom. And, like the ubiquitous Broad-breasted White, the wild gobbler responds favorably to all manner of preparation techniques.

“I usually take the breast, wrap a pound of bacon around each half, and smoke it,” divulges our Merriam’s informant. “It’s delicious.”

And so, with loved ones gathered close and the year’s best feed arrayed before you, perhaps you’ll give a thought to the long and distinguished pedigree represented in your nicely browned culinary centerpiece, and reflect on your meal’s wild cousins and those among your neighbors who labor tirelessly on their behalf.

Now give thanks for your many blessings, and dig in.

A handsome bird

The Word is Bird

 

 

 

We recommend that no one eat more than two tons of turkey – that’s what it would take to poison someone. Elizabeth Whelan, American Council on Science and Health

 

 

Duress of a Salesman

It took just a few seconds for the North Turkey Creek Road resident to determine that the person who called on the afternoon of Oct. 1 was neither friend nor relation. “No, thank you, we’re not interested” she told the telemarketer. Her admirable civility was apparently lost on the pesky peddler, who immediately called back and got the woman’s husband. “Your wife hung up on me,” he explained, only to be politely brushed off once more. Throwing his copy of “Willy Loman’s Sure-Fire Guide to Closing the Deal” out the window, he called back again: “You’re a tough guy and your wife’s a slut.” And again: “I’m going to come over and slap your wife around.” In fact, he called at least six separate times in less than 45 minutes, prompting the “tough guy” to call for back up. The responding deputy suggested the couple drop a line to the phone company about setting a “phone trap” for the truculent telemarketer.

phone

A Season to Share

soda1

 

 

It has many names.

 

 

 

 

Some call it “collaborative consumption.” To others it’s a “peer-to-peer” economy. People who deem it the enlightened financial foundation of tomorrow’s Global Village like to think of it as a “Peoples’ Economy.” Call it what you will, it’s a hot and heavy marriage of convenience between the ancient concept of communal resource management and the awesome connective power of smart-phone technology, with cyber-switchboards like Airbnb, Uber and TaskRabbit officiating.

Benita Matofska, “Chief Sharer” down at “The People Who Share”, describes it as “…a socio-economic ecosystem built around the sharing of human and physical resources” that includes “the shared creation, production, distribution, trade and consumption of goods and services by different people and organizations.”

iNeedyouHavePut into shorter words, it’s them what ain’t gots putting the touch on them what gots. Car on the fritz? A neighbor will be happy to drive you. Not up for another night at the Airport Hilton? Sack out in somebody’s spare bedroom. Too busy to pick up the dry cleaning? There’s a peer out there who’ll grab your garbardines and snag your supper while they’re at it. Need a gas-powered shingle froe but don’t want to buy one just to froe, like, two shingles? It’s a safe bet there’s a guy nearby who’ll let you use his.

shingle_making

“The Sharing Economy encompasses the following aspects,” Matofska intones. “Swapping, exchanging, collective purchasing, collaborative consumption, shared ownership, shared value, co-operatives, co-creation, recycling, upcycling, re-distribution, trading used goods, renting, borrowing, lending, subscription based models, peer-to-peer, collaborative economy, circular economy, pay-as-you-use economy, wikinomics, peer-to-peer lending, micro-financing, micro-entrepreneurship, social media, the Mesh, social enterprise, futurology, crowdfunding, crowdsourcing, cradle-to-cradle, open source, open data, and user generated content.”

Upcycling?

Anyway, the Sharing Economy is all about private citizens doing for other private citizens. But one thing it’s absolutely not about is sharing. It’s about money, and lots of it.

Largely untaxed and unregulated, the Sharing Economy is gloves-off laissez-faire capitalism for the Age of Aquarius, a Libertarian’s free-market feast served on a bed of crisp collectivist ideology. Because if that Lyft driver will get you home from the recycling center for less than Yellow Cab can, he’s sure not going to do it for nothing. And while that privately-owned one-bedroom loft only blocks from dining and entertainment is a steal at just $125 a night, it’s, um, $125 a night.

sharing-new-shoppingThe completely reasonable theory behind the Sharing Economy is that folks with unused, or under-utilized, resources such as cars, beds and gas-powered shingle froes can make them available to folks who need them, thereby maximizing economic efficiency for all. Whatever their political perspectives, most people will agree that letting the Little Guy put his assets to work without a lot of fuss and flack from Uncle Sam is a good thing. The thing is, the bridges connecting the resource-full with the resource-less are a growing number of online “platforms”, essentially passive brokers that take a generous slice of every peer-to-peer transaction that flashes across their out-stretched electronic palms.

How generous? In the 10 years since the peer-to-peer (P2P, in the lingo) economy started moving beyond eBay and into areas of commerce from lodging to lending and from dry goods to desk space, no fewer than 17 self-styled Sharing Economy platforms have grown into billion-dollar businesses on the strength of a 10- to 30-percent piece of the action . True, there are a handful of peer-to-peer exchanges that don’t charge for introductions, but they represent a drop in the collaborative bucket alongside cash-flush companies like $1 billion FundingCircle, $2 billion Instacart, $4 billion Airbnb, and transportation giant Uber, which does business in more than 100 cities in 35 countries and was lately valued at a whopping $40 billion for doing exactly what Metro Taxi does, except not actually doing it. Fact is, in many cases the only people not getting rich off of the Peoples’ Economy are the people directly involved in it.

whats-mine-is-yoursUber drivers, for example, are essentially freelance laborers who must conform to the company’s equipment requirements, often requiring a substantial capital investment, and do all of their own maintenance. They have to charge Uber-approved fares that are considerably less than those charged by conventional taxi services, meaning they consistently earn less per mile than traditional hacks. And as independent “entrepreneurs” they get none of the corporate driver’s benefits and wage-security while bearing all of the job’s attendant risks.

“It’s true that, in many ways, sharing-economy jobs can offer more autonomy than traditional employer-employee relationships,” writes Washington Post columnist Catherine Rampell. “But there’s a dark side to these work arrangements that gets considerably less press: the shifting of risk off corporate balance sheets and onto the shoulders of individual Americans, who may not even realize what kinds of liabilities they’re taking on.”

For that matter, the wholesale replacement of middle-class transportation jobs with lower-paying Uber and Lyft drivers is a sure-fire short-cut to crashing tax revenues and rising individual economic instability. But it would be unfair to pick on P2P transportation companies without exploring the unintended consequences of the Sharing Economy’s thriving hospitality trade. It would be perfectly fair, on the other hand, to pick on San Francisco’s recent experiences, seeing as how the City by the Bay is widely recognized at the cradle of collaborative consumption as we now know it.

In concept, platforms like Airbnb, FlipKey and Roomorama connect private citizens seeking an inexpensive place to flop with private citizens willing to rent out a spare bedroom or temporarily unoccupied personal living space on a short-term basis. It’s all very informal, of course, and completely non-commercial, and guests enjoy a cheap and perhaps interesting accommodation while John and Jane Q. Property-Owner are spared the burdensome regulation and taxes to which professional innkeepers are subject. Thing is, there’s a loophole there big enough to swallow the Orchard Hotel, pool, parlor and penthouse. By listing a long-term rental on Airbnb instead of “trivago”, many a penny-pinching apartment, condo and house owner are happily and profitably leasing their dedicated income property under the table, as it were, and John and Jane Q. Everbody-Else are paying for it with crippling housing shortages and soaring rents.

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“The (San Francisco Chronicle) found nearly 5,000 apartments, houses and rooms listed for rent (on Airbnb) during one random day in May,” writes Dara Kerr of CNET. “Of these short-term rentals, nearly two-thirds were entire houses or apartments, and 160 of these were rented full time.”

Presumably thanks in no small part to the Sharing Economy, the average two-bedroom flat in San Francisco currently rents for about $3,500. Airbnb, on the other hand, would not so presume.

“The overwhelming majority of Airbnb hosts in San Francisco share only the home in which they live,” Kerr quotes a company spokeswoman as saying, “and use the additional income they earn to pay their rents or mortgages and pursue their dreams.”

hotelpillowcqx-largeDespite the naysayers who insist the Sharing Economy is killing middle-class jobs and putting countless essential skilled workers behind the wheel instead of behind a desk, the concept is sound and getting louder all the time. At last count, something like 250,000 Uber drivers are hauling something like 1 million fares every day, and both numbers are predicted to double before Christmas. Airbnb lists more than 1.5 million rental properties – including 1,400 castles – and with more than 40 million mints on 40 million pillows and counting, the service recently surpassed both InterContinental Hotels Group and Hilton Worldwide to become the planet’s biggest hotelier. And that, says Matofska, is only the beginning.

“Whilst the Sharing Economy is currently in its infancy,known most notably as a series of services and start-ups which enable P2P exchanges through technology, this is only the beginning,” intones the Sharer in Chief. “In its entirety and potential it is a new and alternative socio-economic system which embeds sharing and collaboration at its heart and across all aspects of social and economic life.”

Whilst?

In any case, journalist Susie Cagle has her own name for Matofska’s “new and alternative socio-economic system.”

london-match-seller-greenwich-1884_l130116“The Sharing Economy’s success is inextricably tied to the recent recession, making new American poverty palatable,” Cagle writes. “It’s disaster capitalism.”

 

And they call letter-writing a lost art

poison_pen2Bills are a bummer, but the ominous little missive a Red Cloud Drive woman found tucked inside her mailbox one recent morning makes a Final Warning notice from Excel look like a mash letter by comparison. Neatly typed and addressed to “the residents,” it read “BEWARE, FOR THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU. STAY AWAY FROM THE DARKNESS. YOU’RE [sic] ACTIONS WILL BE PUNISHED TO THE FULL EXTENT. ONCE AGAIN BEWARE.” Whoo, boy. The unsettled postal customer said she didn’t know who might have sent such a message, but did mention having a quarrelsome history with a certain neighbor. A certain neighbor said she didn’t have anything to do with the menacing memo and didn’t much appreciate being implicated. With that, the case was forwarded to the dead letter office.