Tricks, Treats and Terror

How every horror flick starts

jason-voorheesIn a neighborhood already infested by swarms of pint-sized phantoms and ghouls, the banshee’s shriek of a residential alarm on Gray Fox Drive drew sheriff’s deputies like zombies to fresh brains. They found the home’s back door unlocked, though still shut as tightly as a crypt. Summoned from an infernal gathering down the block, the lord of the manor quickly declared the premises intact and free of witchery. Just a harmless prank, he said, blithely. Nothing to worry about…

 

Dead letter offense

zombie4Someone – or something – might have been sending a message to some folks on Baca Road. During those hours of darkness when evil is exalted, their mailbox had been horribly savaged by agencies unknown, leaving it a ruined, dangling hulk with only a tenuous grip on the world of light. Corporeal agencies are looking into the matter.

 

Meanwhile, at the old Indian burial ground…

Recent events in south Evergreen were enough to make the blood run cold. Sometime during the night, said a shaken Blue Creek Road resident, a portable cooler she’d placed in the garage had mysteriously moved several feet. Worse, she discovered a normally-locked window unlatched. More frightening still, a stack of dog beds on the deck had inexplicably toppled over. Though she couldn’t quite bring herself to utter the “P” word (“Poltergeist”), she felt dreadfully “spooked” by the whole business and wanted it on record in case “things continue to happen.”

Poltergeist

 

Let’s get something straight

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It’s okay to not vote.

All the folks in a lather about people who don’t vote need to towel off and pipe down.

Voting is a right “granted us by our Creator”, not a requirement, or even a responsibility. Like every other right, it can be exercised or not.

Almost everybody has the right to drive a car, which is great for the economy, but nobody ever browbeats bicyclists for selfishly depriving important industries from oil, to steel, to electronics.

You have a right to own a gun, but you don’t have to. If you shoot somebody with your gun you have a right to counsel, but you don’t have to accept it.

You have all kinds of rights that you never use and nobody bats an eye. Voting is – or at least should be – no different.

Voting is your right, and not voting is also your right.

Nobody has to vote.

If you hate all the candidates, you don’t need to vote for any of them. It’s your right.

If you’re disillusioned with the process, you don’t have to participate in it. Not voting doesn’t make you a Bad American, it just makes you a taxpaying citizen who didn’t vote.

If you simply don’t believe your vote will do any good, it’s okay to shrug it off. There’s a good reason voting isn’t required by law.

It’s not “wrong” to not vote.

And it’s not always “right” to vote.

Contrary to the sweaty emanations of the screaming classes, voting is not, of itself, a noble act. The undemanding feat of pulling a lever or filling in a little circle does not constitute proof of patriotism, virtue or wisdom.

If you have no interest in, understanding of, or opinions about the issues, the candidates or the behavior of government, you should absolutely not vote. In fact, that being the case, the most responsible thing you can do is not vote. Anybody can throw a dart at a ballot and call it voting, but it’s not. Voting presumes an informed choice. It’s a safe bet that many people who don’t vote give a lot more thought to serious national issues than many people who do.

 

And if you’re voting for a candidate mostly because they’re better at public speaking, or have more successfully avoided offending the perpetually offended, or simply because they look better on TV, then your ballot is not only meaningless, it’s helping to sustain an electoral system that values form over substance.

Better you should stay home on Nov. 8.

And one other thing ~

Sanctimonious Get-Out-the-Vote types like to holler about how those who don’t vote automatically give up their right to complain about the government. They can take that ridiculous statement, carefully place it inside a provided “security sleeve” and stuff it straight up their poll.

chachi

You always have a right to complain. Voting is a right, just like every other right enumerated in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, including the right to “seek redress”, and by not exercising one right you don’t magically forfeit all the others. Every American is entitled to all the rights and protections that come with citizenship, and if government moves to entail those rights, or abuse those protections, every American is entitled, even obligated, to cry “Foul!”, regardless of what they did, or didn’t do, on election day.

Voter or not, you have a right to your rights, and you have a right to insist on them.

And a right to yield them.

Either way, the ballot box has got nothing to do with it.

I’m glad we got that straight.

carlin

Preoccupied patron pinches petrol

When a familiar face in a white Toyota pickup stopped to fill up at a Hilltop Drive gas station, the clerk didn’t think twice about activating the pump prior to payment. When the man topped off his tank, climbed back in his vehicle and slowly drove away without settling his tab, the clerk called the cops. Given the man’s repeat-customer status and obvious nonchalance, the clerk was inclined to believe he’d merely forgotten to pay. He oldHippiedescribed the unlikely fuel pirate as a middle-aged “hippie” with long gray hair who probably lives in the area. The clerk provided a license plate number that, for whatever reason, didn’t register with the DMV, and a brief patrol of the immediate vicinity didn’t turn up the suspect vehicle. With luck, the forgetful fuel filcher will return to the scene of the crime in between 200 to 300 miles.

Dogs @ Work

CEO_Dog

This from the Humane Society.

 

“Dogs in the workplace, in general, make people happier. And less stressed. And more productive.”

 

 

Then again, the Humane Society would say that. The folks at the Humane Society would say having a dog under your desk improves Internet connectivity if they thought it would help improve human/dog connectivity. On the other paw, institutional bias doesn’t mean it’s not true, and there are lots of folks who swear by the amazing and beneficial properties of the increasingly common “office dog.” Having pups about the place boosts morale, increases efficiency and encourages employee interaction, they say. Pet-friendly policies enhance employee concentration and decrease absenteeism. Allowing dogs in the workplace aids recruitment and improves retention. It’s quite remarkable, really, the way letting people bring their pets to work can turn a bitter, disorganized and dysfunctional shop into a model of peaceful profitability.

Unless it isn’t.

dogBoardMeetingThe movement toward pet-friendly workplaces became official in 1996 when Pet Sitters International staged the first Take Your Dog to Work Day in Britain. The group’s Yankee branch followed suit in 1999, and the one-day experiment has been lapping up calendar pages ever since.

About 39 percent of American households contain one or more dog, and about 7 percent of American businesses allow one or more dogs on the premises, up from 5 percent in 2010. Approximately 5 percent of pet owners report bringing their dog to work “regularly”, another 7 percent said they do so “sometimes” and a more pet-independent 4 percent “rarely” share their cubicle with their canine. Together, the 16 percent of dog-owners currently taking advantage of their dog-friendly work environments comprise something like 6 percent of the workforce. And while that fraction is clearly fine with having Fido underfoot, reviews from the remaining 94 percent are, um, mixed.

According to a national marketing survey, where 34 percent of non-dog-bringers think they might be “happier” with dogs in the workplace, 63 percent are concerned the animals present stress-inducing “health and safety issues.” And while 25 percent believe dog-friendly policies “improve productivity”, a full 69 percent predict only productivity-sapping “distractions.” If recent studies are to be believed, they’re all right.

officepet-front-leadTrue, dogs in the workplace can improve employee morale, but mostly for those employees bringing their dogs to work. Noting that many dog-owners feel “guilty” and “worried” about leaving their pets home alone, a recent university study found that most experienced an 11 percent decrease in stress when allowed to bring their pet to the office and a 70 percent increase in stress when not.  And while statistics suggest that dog-owners are, indeed, more likely to accept and retain jobs in dog-friendly workplaces, it’s harder to say how many promising prospects are lost to such policies because studies on the pet-policy preferences of dog-less applicants are in short supply.  

It’s also true that dog-friendly policies can increase productivity by decreasing long lunches taken by employees rushing home to check on their dogs, and eliminating personal days taken for veterinary visits or to stay home with sick animals. But several companies experimenting with pup-pleasing programs have reported significant and expensive inefficiencies resulting from work-time lost to dog-feeding, dog-walking, dog-wrangling and general dog-tending.

sickDogOf “health and safety issues,” only about 10 percent of dog-owners “regularly” or “sometimes” bringing their dog to work say they would leave the animal home if it was sick or injured. Of the 4 percent “rarely” bringing their pets to the office, many say they take that step precisely because the animal is sick or injured. Thing is, animal behavioral specialists agree that a sick or injured dog is also a nervous dog, and that a nervous dog is far more likely to bite the friendly hand that pets it. What’s more, there are several diseases that move easily from dog to human, among them dog tapeworm, hookworm, roundworm and brucellosis. While the chances of cross-infection aren’t especially high, concern about the possibility is not without foundation.

The single greatest health question facing dogs in the workplace is purely allergic. About 7 percent of the human population is allergic to dogs, enough that dog allergy is recognized as a legal disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act. And no, there’s no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog, and short-haired pups aren’t less sneeze-inducing than the shaggier breeds. Also covered by the ADA is cynophobia, a fear of dogs shared to some degree by more than 30 percent of those Americans seeking treatment for an anxiety disorder.

Dog-AllergiesIf many dog owners dismiss apprehension about dog bites, dog diseases, dog dander and dog phobias in relation to their own well-tempered, well-immunized, well-scrubbed and, well-favored pets, business owners probably shouldn’t. Employee lawsuits stemming from dog bites, dog-allergies and dog phobias are increasingly common, increasingly successful, and can result in ADA penalties up to $75,000 for a first offense. On advice of their attorneys, many businesses have ultimately rescinded their dog-friendly policies, while others have sought to limit their liability by designating dog-friendly days, establishing dog-free zones and limiting the number of dogs allowed on-site at any given time. In a cautious spirit of accommodation, many employers now require employees determined to bring their dogs to work to first either sign an indemnification agreement taking the company completely off the hook, or privately purchase insurance covering any injuries, discomfitures or legal expenses incurred in the event their mutt misbehaves on company time.

There’s no question that dogs are great. They’re smart and loyal and loving and brave. They’re Man’s best friend. And yet something over 80 percent of the clock-punching public would rather not see dogs in the workplace. So why do they? Call it the Muzzle Effect.

“Many dog owners are very vigorous in support of pet-friendly workplace policies,” reads a report from the human resources firm EMSYS. “Co-workers opposed to such policies rarely voice their objections for fear of being labeled ‘anti-dog.’”

NoDogs

Throne of Contention

A routine investigation into a broken toilet handle at an Aspen Park retail complex quickly sank into an ominous cesspool of mystery and suspicion. According to the property manager, public access to the center’s foyer bathrooms is necessary to provide for the relief of distressed audiences at a nearby community theater. On examination, the deputy concluded that the otherwise undamaged lever merely fell off, and suggested she simply apply some glue to the problem. The manager rejected that explanation on the grounds that the stool’s manufacturer had provided strong assurances that its toilet handles “just don’t fall off.” The real culprit, she said, is an unidentified and ill-defined “murder suspect” who slips in at night and creeps about in the ceiling, leaving disorder and annoyance in his wake. Detecting a serious lack of focus in her narrative, the deputy proposed that tenants noticing irregularities call JCSO for assistance. But the tenants won’t call, objected the manager, because “they don’t think things could happen to them.” Unable to flush out a suspect, the officer washed his hands of the case.

toilet