The bitter conflict over proposed Genesee Dam erupted into fresh hostilities, last week, as several units of the Bear Creek Provisional Army staged a daring mid-morning raid on strategically-vital Ralston Valley.

Fighting turns discourteous

At approximately 10:15 a.m. on Thursday, two regiments from Idledale’s Tactical Assault Command attacked northward up Cold Spring Gulch, blanketing the valley with a heavy barrage of independent geological studies and legally-ambiguous petitions and forcing defenders to abandon their well-fortified but lightly-manned positions.

“We weren’t ready for them,” admitted Genesee Home Guard commander Alexander DeGroot. “Tony Danza was interviewing Dr. Phil on TV, so our line was stretched pretty thin.” Nevertheless, DeGroot was able to rally his forces to make a last-ditch stand at the valley’s north end until reinforcements could be brought up from Genesee Towne Center, where they were sipping flavored coffee and thumbing recent copies of Conde Nast. “It was touch and go for awhile,” DeGroot said. “There was a virtual hail of documents coming down on us. It was the most legally-precarious situation I’ve ever experienced.”

Replenished Neighborhood Watch formations broke out southward in Battalion strength at about 10:45, covered on their southern flank by withering indignation and firing volley after volley of 88 mm long-range meteorological projections.

“We hadn’t anticipated the ferocity of Genesee’s counter-attack,” said Roman Scipio, commanding Idledale’s ground forces. “Their scientific data was clear, concise, and very hard to repudiate.”

At 11:05, just as it appeared that Bear Creek’s forward elements would be forced from Ralston Valley completely, two companies of Kittredge’s elite Troublesome Gulch Brigade swept in on DeGroot’s northern flank, hurling charges of economic imperialism and bombarding Genesee troops with environmental-impact cluster munitions.

“They nearly broke us with their explosive rhetoric,” said Genesee infantryman Bernie Montgomery, sipping a robust Chablis and working through a plate of scallops in cream sauce Thursday night at the Chart House. “They were more like animals than men.”

After nearly 20 minutes of violent oratory and general confusion, a neatly-groomed young couple appeared driving a VW Bug and distributing copies of “The Watchtower,” forcing both warring factions into full retreat. “I barely had time to get home, put my car in the garage and close the drapes,” Scipio said. “No amount of strategic planning can anticipate every contingency.”