“Thou art guilty to ye foundations…”     Himmilicious

Guilty pleasures don’t have to be.

A sure proof of Mankind’s superiority over the beasts of the Earth is our highly developed ability to re-cast animal appetites in more palatable terms. True, describing the intellectual benefits of “Real Housewives” may test the powers of reason, and explaining the social importance of an entire Saturday afternoon scoping the neighborhood with binoculars would be a tough sell to even the most credulous chimpanzee. And yet there are indulgences that more easily lend themselves to academic rehabilitation.

Chocolate’s like that.

Okay, chocolate has lots of fat and sugar, and, yes, we all know that these two substances  are by themselves responsible for cavities, love-handles, all unhappiness, every mass extinction since the Cretaceous and Jared Fogle.

But there’s good stuff, too. Science-y stuff. Stuff that makes slopping down a quart of Chunky Monkey during the late news seem like the sensible choice of a rational mind. Chocolate doesn’t just fall out of the tree in 0.2-ounce, foil-wrapped drops, after all, and anything that takes so much trouble to make must be worth the effort, right?

Chocolate is derived from the fruit of the Theobroma cacao tree, a species native to tropical Mexico and Central

America whose name literally translates as “food of the gods.” Four thousand years ago, give or take, the humble subsistence-farming culture that preceded the Olmecs cracked open pods of the cacao tree, extracted the seeds, ground them into a neat loaf, took one bite and spit it out onto the ground, probably cursing in proto-Nahuatl, because it tasted like bitter death.

Instead of accepting that not everything that grows in the forest is fit for the plate, they tried again, first fermenting the cacao “beans”, and then roasting them, and then whipping them into a cold, foamy beverage the Aztecs would call “xocolatl.” Because it’s an article of faith in some circles that ancient bug-eating, monkey-worshipping primitives were privy to Great Secrets now lost to humanity, we can assume that the pre-Olmecs had excellent reasons for standing by the vile cacao pod despite the fact that, on a labor-per-calorie basis, it may be the least efficient crop ever cultivated. Indeed, it’s said that the Aztec emperor Montezuma II drank 50 golden goblets of xocolatl seasoned with chili peppers every single day, and observant Conquistadores noted that Montezuma appeared to be exceptionally healthy and vigorous right up until the moment they strangled him.

These days, the average American consumes about 10 pounds of chocolate per year. The average European consumes about 24 pounds. Dietary scolds on both sides of the Atlantic find year-round employment making the average chocolate consumer feel bad about it. Thankfully, selfless researchers are beginning to turn the tables and take some of the guilt out of gluttony. For one thing, rather than symptomatic of weak moral fiber, intemperate Toblerone intake is actually a perfectly natural, involuntary physiological response to chemical stimuli. In other words, your galloping Hershey habit isn’t your fault.

“Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the world’s perfect food.”     Michael Levine

Every bite of chocolate comes with a generous dose of the world’s most popular and widely used psychoactive drug, caffeine. Chocolate is also loaded with the stimulant theobromine, which pleasantly boosts the heart rate and excites the musculature. In the interest of full disclosure, it should be noted that a theobromine rush, which is deadly for dogs, can in fact cause death to humans who consume more than 22 pounds of chocolate per day, Belgians included. Yet caffeine and theobromine are pikers alongside chocolate’s other upper, a naturally occurring compound called phenylethylamine. Molecularly separated at birth from synthetic amphetamines, phenylethylamine produces the same endorphins in the brain that are released when we feel deep affection.

And speaking of science in the public interest, a recently discovered, mood-altering, chocolate-specific molecule called anandamide has been seen binding with the brain’s cannabanoid receptors in much the same way – and with much the same result – as cannabis, meaning that chocolate gives and satisfies the munchies at the same time. Toss in the feel-good affects of seratonin and tryptophan – both present in chocolate – and it’s small wonder the global cacao market is poised to top $98 billion sometime around October 31 of this year.

But chocolate is no wicked hag tempting you into sweet ruin a la Hansel and Gretel. It’s a benevolent ambrosia unfairly maligned by ignorant nutrition Nazis who are too busy enforcing their flavor-free ideologies to know a good thing when they taste it. Chocolate – particularly dark chocolate – is rich in substances called flavonoids. Densely-educated people in white lab coats and thick glasses credit flavonoids with increasing blood-flow to the brain, thusly fostering improved memory, better reaction times, longer attention spans and enhanced problem-solving skills. What’s more, compounds in dark chocolate promote lower blood pressure, improve one’s ability to see in low-contrast lighting conditions, and positively affect cholesterol levels, platelet function and insulin sensitivity. Even the very aroma of chocolate increases theta brain waves, triggering relaxation. And no matter what your mom told you, no scientific link has ever been demonstrated between chocolate and acne. In fact, by improving your cardiovascular function, a gob-full of Ghirardelli will actually smooth, soften and generally delight your dermis.

Aztec myth holds that the feathered serpent god, Quetzalcoatl, brought cacao to Earth from Aztec Heaven and taught imperfect Man to cultivate and consume it. For that deed, Quetzalcoatl was exiled by the other Aztec gods, who thought xocolatl too good for mere mortals. Although it’s difficult to build a case for cause and effect upon mythological foundations, the fact remains that, from that day to this, a lot of mere mortals experience a twinge of guilt when satisfying their taste for the “food of the gods.”

This year, mere mortals will eat about 7.9 million tons of chocolate.

It seems we’ve learned to live with the guilt.

“Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.”     Dave Barry