Good news! The Old West is alive and well in Jefferson County. One morning last week, a young cowgirl moseyed down to a local livestock boarding facility to see after her stock, but found only an empty stall and a feedbag full of mystery. Perhaps just hours before, dad-blamed varmints unknown had snatched her week-old calf without leaving so much as a boot print. A quick scout of the muddy ground outside the stall revealed no tiny hoof-marks, meaning the rustlers likely carried the 90-pound barbecue variety-pack away in their thieving arms. Interested posses should be on the lookout for a sloe-eyed black and white dogie with the number 84 tagged to his right ear, his birthday – 03/13/2014 – tagged to his left, and his Rocky Mountain oysters intact. The brand inspector has been notified.