There strut amongst us them what will

Romp and riot and sin and swill

And burn their candle hot until

December 31^st

 

When sudden-like they’ve got their fill

Of hedonistic overkill

And so affirm, all smug and shrill

In grace they stand immersed

 

The New Year’s Resolution be

A righteous curiosity,

An exercise in sanctity

Easier said than done

 

If temp’rance was your cup o’ tea

You would be sober already.

And giving up on gluttony

Is battle never won

 

“I will regain my lean physique

By working out three times a week”

Sounds doable when things look bleak

Hung-over New Year’s Day

 

And then you’re playing hide-and-seek

With folks from your Pilates clique,

A self-indulgent bob-bon freak

Committed to decay

 

Don’t be a tool, you weak-willed fool!

Keep always to this Golden Rule,

Resolve to quit only what you’ll

Be glad to go without

 

Give up the nasty and the cruel

And watch your self-improvement pool

Grow suddenly both deep and cool

Success no more in doubt

 

“I will not dine on rancid meat

Or lick a dirty toilet seat”

Are Resolutions hard to cheat

And don’t take lots of time

 

“I’ll never slap a nun from Crete,

Or juggle chainsaws in the street,

Or drink a half-liter of DEET,

Or pistol-whip a mime

 

“I won’t support the Taliban.

I won’t wear shorts made of rattan.

I won’t pour gin on Raisin Bran

At least till 8 o’clock.

 

“If someone says ‘Let’s join the Klan!’

Firmly will I denounce that plan.

I’ll not use pages of Quran

For origami stock.

 

“No way will I sit idly by

While supermodels sigh and cry

For want of an appreciative eye

I’ll dote on ev’ry lass

 

“I will not clean my squalid sty

Engage in treason on the sly

Won’t ever make what I can buy

I won’t feed orphans glass

 

“I won’t eat possum from the can,

I won’t defy a no-fly ban,

No way I’ll finish what’s began

Or start what looks like work

 

“I won’t defect to Kazakhstan,

Or eat X-rated marzipan,

Or pick a fight with Jackie Chan,

Or gamble with a Turk

 

“I promise not to learn to sew,

Won’t study Edgar Allan Poe,

Will steadfastly ignore J-Lo

Wherever she’ll occur

 

“I won’t take strychnine with my Joe,

Or paddle-board a lava flow.

Nor shall I be induced to mow,

Or worship Lucifer.”

 

Aspire too much and wind up lame?

Or maybe finally beat this game.

Glory is yours, or yours the blame.

The row is yours to hoe

 

No Resolution worth the name,

Need end in failure, die of shame.

Should noble schemes go up in flame,

Your Resolutions blow