“Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.”  ~ Mark Twain

 

 

 

Please understand that Mr. Twain wasn’t talking about your traditional Christmas customs, but those of unnamed others who lack your refined taste, deep perception and admirable sense of decorum.

This is an important distinction, because the Holidays are largely the sum of their traditions and it wouldn’t do to think you’re going to spend the next two-score and 10 days engaged in absurdity and foolishness. Not like Rosie O’Donnell, who attires her entire tribe in brand-new matching jam-jams every Christmas morning, or like Martha Stewart, who tricks out her dogs in velvet and cubic zirconia. Pop-singer and holiday heretic Lance Bass deep-fries a turkey, if you can believe it, which of course you can’t, being naturally above such vulgarities.

But that’s not to say you don’t know somebody who falls into the traditionally-challenged class. Somebody with mistletoe headgear, for instance, or an otherwise sober-minded and upstanding neighbor who invites you over every year for the sole and only purpose of bringing you within pestering distance of a dusty plastic trout that sings “Run, Run, Rudolph”. Somebody, in short, who could use a few Yule-timely pointers on keeping Christmas well. For those unfortunates, we are pleased to offer the following examples of Proper Holiday Comportment as described by persons of recognized gravity and discernment.

 

“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime.  Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” ~ P.J. O’Rourke

 

 

“One thing we always do is make cabbage rolls for Christmas dinner,” says Hiwan resident Barbara Melinkovich, without even a hint of shame or self-consciousness. “My husband’s parents are Croatian, and it’s a tradition over there.”

Well so is drinking beer seasoned with rosemary, but that doesn’t make it right. Would you like revise your statement?

“We make the cabbage rolls the day before, and on Christmas Day we all go ice-skating on a pond near our house, then come home and cook them for dinner.”

Much better. Pond-skating is an excellent Christmas tradition and worthy of general emulation. You should probably lead with that next time.

Encouraged by Malinkovich’s success, her sister, Sally Kennedy, steps up to the hearth.

“I know it sounds silly,” offers Kennedy, “but when we were kids we always had a Christmas parade.”

I think you mean you attended a Christmas parade.

“No, we had one. Before the kids could open their presents, we would have our own little Christmas parade around the house. We didn’t dress up or anything, just in our pajamas, or whatever. I told you it was kind of silly.”

Kind of genius, more like – all the fun of Macys without all the product placement and inane color-commentary. Kennedy’s delightful tradition earns four candy canes out of a possible five.

At first unclear on the concept, 10-year-old Hailey Brown eventually tumbles on a near-universal tradition that is at once festive and illuminating.

“Me and my sister wake up first, and then we have to wait until grandma and grandpa wake up,” explains Hailey, keeping track of the precise sequence of Christmas-morning events on the fingers of her left hand. “Then they say ‘wait until we get ready’, and we wait, and then, when they’re ready, we go downstairs and open presents.”

Yes, Hailey, frustration is a holiday tradition. Deal with it.

 

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall”. ~ Dave Barry

 

 

“We bake cookies,” says Theresa Howell, getting ready to launch a rare November fishing expedition on Evergreen Lake. Her husband, Brian, sees to the tackle while daughters Ella, 5, and Sylvia, 2, perform ballast duties in the family canoe. “I buy pounds of butter,” Theresa laughs.

Since one pound of butter yields approximately four times its weight in pure merriness, the Howell place must be pretty cheery by mid-December.

“We also celebrate Saint Nicholas Day in our house, so the girls kind of get two Christmases.”

You have my undivided attention. Please continue.

“It’s a German holiday on Dec. 6. We all put out our shoes at night and Saint Nicholas leaves something in them. It’s usually nothing big – a little craft-book, or something.”

“It tides them over till Christmas,” grins Brian.

Glad tidings, indeed. For extending the magic of Christmas back almost three full weeks, the Howell’s are hereby awarded a silver Star of Bethlehem with holly-leaf cluster. Across the way, Diane Pieper and her granddaughters are wrapping up a pleasant morning’s lake-walk.

“We always take food and toys down to some poor kids in Denver,” says 9-year-old Taylor. “It’s nice because otherwise they wouldn’t get anything. I also get to see some friends I don’t get to see any other time.”

It’s the perfect Holiday tradition, really. Does good and feels good. You’re to be commended, Taylor, for…

“And guess what?” bursts out her sister, 6-year-old Jordan. “One time she had all these stuffed animals – they were Beanie Babies – and that’s all – but there were a whole lot of them – and she gave them all away!”

My, that’s certainly a selfless…

“And guess what else? One time it was nighttime, and we saw a red light and a green light, and I think the red light was Rudolph’s red nose!”

How truly wondrous to witness…

“And guess what else? Every year we pet the reindeer. We pet Rudolph and Dancer. I like Dancer, but Rudolph is the best one!”

If Denver could harness Jordan’s holiday spirit, the City and County Building would be visible from Neptune.

Brook Forest resident Greg Konigsbauer and his two young’uns are enjoying the unseasonably fine weather at the Stagecoach Park playground. Technically, the Konigsbauer clan begins its Christmas observances on Dec. 21.

“That’s Charlotte’s birthday, so we have all the kids in the neighborhood over for cinnamon buns,” says Greg. “Since her birthday is so close to Christmas, it’s our way of making sure she gets something special.”

Traditionalists might argue that Charlotte’s cinnamon social is more correctly a birthday tradition, but we won’t. And just so there won’t be any hurt feelings, we should point out that not all Konigsbauer Christmas activities are traditionally ambiguous.

“We always watch ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’.”

Okay, so lots of families do that, but not every family has 3-year-old Charlotte, a giggling little sprite who could be Cindy Lou Who’s stunt double. And if that’s not enough reason to stick with a fine tradition, Charlotte’s energetic 6-year-old brother, Jack, offers his own deeply personal and logically unassailable reason for making the Grinch a regular holiday visitor.

“Green is my favorite color,” Jack says, earnestly. “And blue. Green and blue.”

 

“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before.  What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?” ~ Dr. Seuss