O Well of Beauty! Eye of Light!
I beg you, tell me what I might
Upon the Feast of Valentine
Present to you, to make you mine
From my heart to your own

 O Gallant Knight, O Gentle Soul
Your money cannot make me whole
The only gift I ask of you
Is all your love, so pure and true
Give that, and that alone

A fool I am, that I might try
Your honest favors so to buy
With vulgar baubles, pretty lies
When there behind your azure eyes
Such selfless spirit dwells

We two are joined, My Champion
By bonds that will outlast the sun
No worldly good seems good to me
My only food and drink are thee
All else my heart repels

And yet, My Love, my Waking Dream
As token of my deep esteem
I am resolved to here remand
This box of chocolates in my hand
A Walmart multi-pack!

Are these fat-free? Or sugarless?
How could you cause me such distress?
I’m starting a new diet soon
You’ll blow me up like a balloon!
You’d better take them back

Forgive my thoughtlessness, My Pet
Your body issues to forget
Please take instead, so bright and gay
This red and rosy nose bouquet
Each bloom a joyful psalm

So now I have to find a vase
And sacrifice my counter space?
I mean, who really wants or needs
A bunch of bug-infested weeds?
Your flowers are a bomb.

What madness was it, made me think
To burden you with Nature’s stink?
Perhaps you’d be more keen about
A nice romantic dinner out
At Jardin d’Amore

Do you suggest I should dress up
And in the garlicked darkness sup
From swarthy, sneering Frenchmen’s trays
On snails and flaccid crudités?
Oh, what a crashing bore!

Please don’t be angry, Angel’s Breath
I’d rather die a thousand deaths
Than suffer you an instant’s pique
Would ruby earrings – magnifique!
Win back the smile I crave?

In case you missed it, Philistine
My true birth stone is tourmaline
And this is not a Jared box!
You might as well have brought me rocks
You stupid, selfish knave

That sharp rebuke is justly earned
Those taudry trinkets rightly spurned
But will you let me, Guiding Star
Seek redemption junto al mar
With five nights in Cancun?

And broil my white and creamy hide
In scorching sun and salty tide?
Or would you see me leathery?
Good grief! Whatever did I see
In such a dull buffoon?

Alas, My Dove, a cad I be!
To court a Princess boorishly
More insult I will not impress
With this new Lexus LES
I beg your pardon, please

Pray hold the phone, sweet Honey-Pants!

You are my life, my sustenance

Your lips my food, your breath my wine

The only touch I crave is thine

And now I’ll take those keys